HAPPY MONDAY
I am so filled with gratitude this morning...well tonight, I am writing this for in the morning, lol.
First and foremost...I was/am a mother...and my child was/is so cool!!! I don't know what she looks like in spirit, but I hope she still has her black hair and blue eyes...somehow since that's what I want it's what I will get. I got her in physical form for 22 1/2 years!!! That's a long time, not long enough, mind you, but still...a long time...and I would do it all over again for another 22 years. Being her mother was worth all the pain that losing her caused, and I haven't really lost her. I am hers and she is mine.
I've been so low, my heart shattered, that a whole new dimension opened up to me. My "feelings balloon" grew to hot air balloon size when I lost her and it was filled with agony. As time has gone by the balloon has not shrunk in size, but by intentionally searching out joy, hope, compassion...it has started filling with more of those emotions and somehow forcing out some of the agony.
I know some people don't like to hear this, "Where there was much love there will be much grief" But I submit to you it goes the other way too. Once our emotional muscles have been stretched out so far we have more room for happiness as well.
We are all living in another, deeper dimension and I believe if we can forgive and not become bitter, we have the capacity to be happier than ever.
But I'd give it all back to have her life...but we have to work with what we have...Love one another as much as possible, be as grateful as possible for everything, absolutely everything...look for answers to all of your questions in love...Truly, it's all we need. <3
First and foremost...I was/am a mother...and my child was/is so cool!!! I don't know what she looks like in spirit, but I hope she still has her black hair and blue eyes...somehow since that's what I want it's what I will get. I got her in physical form for 22 1/2 years!!! That's a long time, not long enough, mind you, but still...a long time...and I would do it all over again for another 22 years. Being her mother was worth all the pain that losing her caused, and I haven't really lost her. I am hers and she is mine.
I've been so low, my heart shattered, that a whole new dimension opened up to me. My "feelings balloon" grew to hot air balloon size when I lost her and it was filled with agony. As time has gone by the balloon has not shrunk in size, but by intentionally searching out joy, hope, compassion...it has started filling with more of those emotions and somehow forcing out some of the agony.
I know some people don't like to hear this, "Where there was much love there will be much grief" But I submit to you it goes the other way too. Once our emotional muscles have been stretched out so far we have more room for happiness as well.
We are all living in another, deeper dimension and I believe if we can forgive and not become bitter, we have the capacity to be happier than ever.
But I'd give it all back to have her life...but we have to work with what we have...Love one another as much as possible, be as grateful as possible for everything, absolutely everything...look for answers to all of your questions in love...Truly, it's all we need. <3
Replies
I am glad for you..truly
What a meaningful journal. Thank you for posting. I love the balloon analogy. You are so right. \"Where there was much love there will be much grief\".
We are indeed living in another dimension. We understand and feel more than those who are not on our road.
Wishing you love and peace this Christmas season. I know Cassi will be with you - dark haired and blue-eyed with her beautiful smile.
Love and tight hugs, M
Your precious Cassi......You are hers and She is yours.....always & forever!
As I read your journal Gina.....it spoke of healing. Little by little....baby step by baby step....you are moving forward. None of us ever thought we could move towards healing, but somehow we do. I can\'t help but think being here with these moms who truly \"get it\" gives us the courage to go on.
Wrapping my arms around you my sweet sister of the heart, letting you know how much you are cared about & loved. Also....I will always see your sweet
Cassie with dark hair & those beautiful blue eyes.
Heartfelt hugs....Vicki
Love comes before grief... and LOVE will be there after. It is so heartwarming to be a witness to the healing of ones BEing and I believe with all of my heart that this is what happens on FMO. Slowly, in our time and in our way we emerge with new and different eyes that see everything with such a new found tenderness.
I see Cassi too with her dark hair and those blue eyes that could melt a glacier.
Your journal offers SO much HOPE to each of us who might be having a challenging moment and who are doing this very arduous task of walking through the grief, feeling every bit of it so that we can emerge on the other side of it. Strengthening our muscles so that we can learn how to carry it, integrate it and BE that force of LOVE which honors our children and ourselves.
Keep walking and sharing dear Gina. I am listening!
Loving care to Cassi and her mom from Douglas and me,
XO Joanie
Thank you Gina - ((((hugs)))) Vicki
Happy Monday to you too! I am glad you are feeling the gratitude and benefiting so much from it - so much so that you want to share with the world! You might just write that book yet about beautiful Cassi with the dark hair, bright blue eyes and your journey!
Sending love...
What a lovely journal. Thank you for sharing. :)
Glad you are having such a good day, you deserve it!!! Hugs, Kathy
You have journaled such a truth, Gina! I am not who I was before. I am a better person through my son\'s death. And of course, we would all give it back to have them back. Just the other day, my other son\'s future mother-in-law told me that she had sent Jason and her daughter out to buy a Christmas tree (they live with her). She said it was the first time ever that she had not gone to get her own tree and that \"They better bring back a nice tree or I am going to be very upset\". I told her that I was sure they would make a good choice, but in my mind I thought, \"Wow, that is so unimportant. That she could find joy in no matter what the tree looked like and to tell them so. Not tell them that they bought an ugly tree\". The last tree that I ever put up before Michael died was brought home by him. I came home and it was sitting in my foyer. I would take a sticker bush if Michael could bring me another tree! Peace XOXO Belinda
In the past, said many a time, \"I\'d throw you all in a hand basket to hell to have my Kala back\". And for a while I truly meant it.
Yes, deep love and deep grief go hand in hand. The good news is, we don\'t have to live in deep grief for the rest of our lives as a proof of the deep love. Kala has demanded of me...and I demand of myself....to LIVE in fullness of JOY to the best of my ability. To me, this \"proves\" my love. Not that I need, or am trying, to prove anything to anyone.
Gratitude is essential to growing LOVE. And yes Kala, LOVE is all that matters!
LOVE YOU PRECIOUS FRIEND!
You are healing. Everyone has expressed wonderful things. Not much I can add.
Sending tight hugs
Penny