Happy and Sad at the same time

I'm happy and sad at the same damn time!! Im happy about my day. I did not do much, but I found a Mother's day card that Iwas suppose to give Mommy and I just missed her all over again. Lately, I have been getting this feeling that it is not real that she is gone. It is a feeling that is hard to explain. But I will try, it is like she is still alive and I have not spoken to her in a while and then I realize that she is deceased. And the feeling takes my breathe away, or like I just got the news again. It hits me in the stomach or I think about her too long, which is not uncommon, but I feel a sudden sense of emptiness. The other day I was in the bathroom on the toilet and I just felt like I was just told this terrible news. Or when I was in the living room and passed by her picture and just remembered. It takes me a second to realize that it was not a dream, then I need to hold myself together and then continue to move. Well it happened tonight, like this cannot be real, my mother is not alive, she is deceased and I will never get to see her again. the other night I watched a tv show and the lady was fully grown and her mother came to help her get pass some issues. I wanted to jump through the tv, I wanted that moment again with my mother. I just miss my mother, but I cannot get her back. sometimes I feel like a child throwing a tantrum. I wish that if do this God will give in and allow me to have my mother back. All fantasy, but these are the type of thoughts I have. Then there are times when I ask Mommy to show up in my dreams so we can talk, this is when crazy meets crazy!! lol. My dreams are the only way for me to see her and talk to her about things. It does not happen a lot and lately she has been delivering bad news, but I still want to see her alive and active for my memories. I want to talk to my mommy about my life and things tht is happening. I miss her and Im lonely so I crave someone and she would know what to say to ease my mind.
  I know it is a bad thing to say, but why my Mother? She was still needed here. Then I talk to myself in my mothers voice to calm myself down and say things to myself that I think she would say. The worst part about this I cannot talk to anyone about this.
Gn