Happiness & Uncertainty
This is try two - as my huge journal last night got lost in cyberspace!! I am glad, though, because I was able to read Pageo's post today and it really related to the original journal and helped a great deal with some of my thoughts.
I am finding myself in a place of happiness. Things are starting to come together a bit. I am participating a bit more in school activities, my dance classes are starting up again on the 18th, I have a fitness instructor coming to look at the space for rental, had the wonderful 4 a.m. homework session with my son (maybe nontraditional, but I'm fitting it all in!!), had a couple of dates (and as Susy said, some good attention) and I'm really feeling happy about the way things are heading.
I am also uncertain. I don't think I am afraid of failure. I trust myself to make it, but I think I'm afraid of getting started. I've been finding patterns of the inner critique, perfectionism, and reflected back to many of these things holding me back on my journey.
A couple of past stories. My first trip to the mosque. I was afraid to park and get in the door. A girlfriend was kind enough to drive me, walk me to the door and then pick me up afterwards. I was fine once I was in.
Starting back to school, there was a new student orientation that was required. I, again, was afraid to park and get in the door. I had no one available to hold my hand and ended up parked a couple of blocks away, sobbing in my car. Luckily, I later called my advisor and she said since I was a nontraditional student living off campus, it was fine and I could just come by and pick up my new student packet from her!!
I'm looking at all these things and trying to work through them into healthier patterns. I wish I could afford therapy still, but unfortunately, I can barely afford the gas to class, let alone much extra. I have been talking a lot with my parents. It has been a subject, in part because of the situation with my brother, but also in my own growth. Yesterday, my mom talked to me about how she actually felt horrible because she felt she neglected me as a child. My brother is actually my half brother, my mother adopted him when he was five. She said that she was trying so hard with him that she doesn't think she spent enough time with me. We talked about it a bit. You know, I never felt slighted. I was my own person. My mother sings. My brother was a musician. So, they would sing/play together a lot. I like to sing, but it's quite scary and well, it just wasn't my thing. My memories from childhood, though, are of enjoying sitting doing my own thing (I wrote a lot) and listening to them.
However, this did help me to see that my brother was a huge part of the drain of my parents time. He is also 7 years older and was a pre/teen during the majority of my formative years, which added to the strain. Even though I never felt neglected or slighted or resentful, I think I did miss out on some important things just by virtue of being a bit on my own.
And gosh, I can see this in my kids. My daughter is the more social, lots of friends, unfortunately a lot of attention also due to her abuse, overachiever and my son is a bit like I was...he likes to do his own thing a lot. It is hard to manage a bit due to the Aspergers, other people tend to irritate him. He has friends and his activities. He's first chair in band (trombone) and has taught himself to play guitar quite well. He just keeps a bit of a different personal bubble than the average person. So, yes, seeing my past in this light, I have redoubled my efforts just to be there for him - even if it is at 4 a.m.!
As for me, I am stepping out of my box a bit. I did contact a guy that I've talked to only briefly because my cousin cut his hair and he is an Iraqi who translated for the Army. I am meeting him tomorrow for help with my speech. I've always had trouble even asking my family for help, so this is a step for me!
I am still not feeling so sure about my uncertainty getting my business off the ground. I am still feeling like I want someone to hold my hand, help me believe, motivate me daily and I don't know...
Another day, another bit of progress. Even in my uncertainty, I am seeing glimmers of happiness and that's good.
I am finding myself in a place of happiness. Things are starting to come together a bit. I am participating a bit more in school activities, my dance classes are starting up again on the 18th, I have a fitness instructor coming to look at the space for rental, had the wonderful 4 a.m. homework session with my son (maybe nontraditional, but I'm fitting it all in!!), had a couple of dates (and as Susy said, some good attention) and I'm really feeling happy about the way things are heading.
I am also uncertain. I don't think I am afraid of failure. I trust myself to make it, but I think I'm afraid of getting started. I've been finding patterns of the inner critique, perfectionism, and reflected back to many of these things holding me back on my journey.
A couple of past stories. My first trip to the mosque. I was afraid to park and get in the door. A girlfriend was kind enough to drive me, walk me to the door and then pick me up afterwards. I was fine once I was in.
Starting back to school, there was a new student orientation that was required. I, again, was afraid to park and get in the door. I had no one available to hold my hand and ended up parked a couple of blocks away, sobbing in my car. Luckily, I later called my advisor and she said since I was a nontraditional student living off campus, it was fine and I could just come by and pick up my new student packet from her!!
I'm looking at all these things and trying to work through them into healthier patterns. I wish I could afford therapy still, but unfortunately, I can barely afford the gas to class, let alone much extra. I have been talking a lot with my parents. It has been a subject, in part because of the situation with my brother, but also in my own growth. Yesterday, my mom talked to me about how she actually felt horrible because she felt she neglected me as a child. My brother is actually my half brother, my mother adopted him when he was five. She said that she was trying so hard with him that she doesn't think she spent enough time with me. We talked about it a bit. You know, I never felt slighted. I was my own person. My mother sings. My brother was a musician. So, they would sing/play together a lot. I like to sing, but it's quite scary and well, it just wasn't my thing. My memories from childhood, though, are of enjoying sitting doing my own thing (I wrote a lot) and listening to them.
However, this did help me to see that my brother was a huge part of the drain of my parents time. He is also 7 years older and was a pre/teen during the majority of my formative years, which added to the strain. Even though I never felt neglected or slighted or resentful, I think I did miss out on some important things just by virtue of being a bit on my own.
And gosh, I can see this in my kids. My daughter is the more social, lots of friends, unfortunately a lot of attention also due to her abuse, overachiever and my son is a bit like I was...he likes to do his own thing a lot. It is hard to manage a bit due to the Aspergers, other people tend to irritate him. He has friends and his activities. He's first chair in band (trombone) and has taught himself to play guitar quite well. He just keeps a bit of a different personal bubble than the average person. So, yes, seeing my past in this light, I have redoubled my efforts just to be there for him - even if it is at 4 a.m.!
As for me, I am stepping out of my box a bit. I did contact a guy that I've talked to only briefly because my cousin cut his hair and he is an Iraqi who translated for the Army. I am meeting him tomorrow for help with my speech. I've always had trouble even asking my family for help, so this is a step for me!
I am still not feeling so sure about my uncertainty getting my business off the ground. I am still feeling like I want someone to hold my hand, help me believe, motivate me daily and I don't know...
Another day, another bit of progress. Even in my uncertainty, I am seeing glimmers of happiness and that's good.
Replies
Raniagale - baby steps! You will get there. Not only have you yourself to look after and nurture, you have two children who need you. That\'s a big ask from one person. DON\'T BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF - try to see and acknowledge your achievements when they happen - we tend to limit ourselves unnecessarily. You sound like you\'re getting there though - \"glimmers of happiness\" - absolutely wonderful! Hugs! :)
I really want to write but never sit down to do it. I always want someone to sit with my while I write. I have been looking for a writing partner - someone that I can meet at a coffee shop and we can encourage each other to write. I wonder why I find it so hard to be self motivated? Sounds like you have a bit of the same thing going on.
RE: I\'ve always had trouble even asking my family for help, so this is a step for me!
This is something else I have gone over in therapy. My therapist said that when you come from a tit for a tat FOO it is hard to ask for help because there is always a pay back.
She has had me do exercises where I ask people for help even if it is just ask them to pray for me.
It is a lot of hard work to change these patterns