Happiness Maxed Out
Well, I think that I have just come to a sad realization that my life will just never be as great as it was before. This weekend my husband and I went to a birthday party for one of our friends, and these people had really gone all out to make it fun. It was a tiki theme with karoke, lei's, tropical parrots, the whole nine. There were a lot of people there that didn't know us and didn't know our story, and so we kind of felt like we could just cut loose a little and relax, but my little girl still consumed me. Talking to parents, I wanted to blurt out my story. I wanted them to know about Ellison, my beautiful perfect little daughter. It was all I thought about. Having her with me, pregnant or in my arms. The next day my husband and I decided to go to my sisters pool. I wanted to get excited about having my house clean, and spending the day swimming with my family, but it was all just okay. It just feels like there are definitely days that I am happy now, but just not "that" happy. It is almost like even when I can let go of the hurt and pain for one second, I am still never really free from what has happened. Not that I want to be free in that sense...I never want to not think about her or miss her, I just wish that some days I still had the little things to make me happy like they used to. I just keep asking myself if this is as good as it will ever get for me. I love my husband and we are blessed in so many ways in our life, I just can't get over the sense that my little girl was meant to be here with me now, and shes' not, and since shes not I just don't think things will ever be right again. My husband and I want to be pregnant again, but what then? Will it make everything okay? Will I go to Babies R'Us and be able to enjoy shopping for the new baby without breaking down because I miss my little girl so much? I almost just want to leave the nursery as is and never change it no matter what. Some days I just feel like my mind and heart are so full of my daughter, that it doesn't have room for anything else that would cheer us up. I love her so much, and she should be here by now. My due date is Monday. I should be sitting her so big I'm just miserable, waiting for my water to break any second. I just hate these days that I get so down about getting pregnant again because I know that its what I really want right now. I just want her here so bad I can't stand it, and some days I just don't know where to go or what to do. Will my husband and I ever really be happy again, or do I just learn to live with how I feel and accept it? I just wish I knew the answer.