Happiness Maxed Out

Well, I think that I have just come to a sad realization that my life will just never be as great as it was before.  This weekend my husband and I went to a birthday party for one of our friends, and these people had really gone all out to make it fun.  It was a tiki theme with karoke, lei's, tropical parrots, the whole nine.  There were a lot of people there that didn't know us and didn't know our story, and so we kind of felt like we could just cut loose a little and relax, but my little girl still consumed me.  Talking to parents, I wanted to blurt out my story.  I wanted them to know about Ellison, my beautiful perfect little daughter.  It was all I thought about.  Having her with me, pregnant or in my arms.  The next day my husband and I decided to go to my sisters pool.  I wanted to get excited about having my house clean, and spending the day swimming with my family, but it was all just okay. It just feels like there are definitely days that I am happy now, but just not "that" happy.  It is almost like even when I can let go of the hurt and pain for one second, I am still never really free from what has happened.  Not that I want to be free in that sense...I never want to not think about her or miss her, I just wish that some days I still had the little things to make me happy like they used to.  I just keep asking myself if this is as good as it will ever get for me.  I love my husband and we are blessed in so many ways in our life, I just can't get over the sense that my little girl was meant to be here with me now, and shes' not, and since shes not I just don't think things will ever be right again.   My husband and I want to be pregnant again, but what then?  Will it make everything okay?  Will I go to Babies R'Us and be able to enjoy shopping for the new baby without breaking down because I miss my little girl so much?  I almost just want to leave the nursery as is and never change it no matter what.  Some days I just feel like my mind and heart are so full of my daughter, that it doesn't have room for anything else that would cheer us up.  I love her so much, and she should be here by now.  My due date is Monday. I should be sitting her so big I'm just miserable, waiting for my water to break any second.   I just hate these days that I get so down about getting pregnant again because I know that its what I really want right now.  I just want her here so bad I can't stand it, and some days I just don't know where to go or what to do.  Will my husband and I ever really be happy again, or do I just learn to live with how I feel and accept it?  I just wish I knew the answer.    

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I know exactly how you feel. Last week I told my grief counselor that I won\'t ever truly be happy until I\'m holding a healthy baby in my arms. And even then, I will miss my Leo so much. His due date is this Thursday. Last night I woke up at 3 o\'clock in the morning and just sat in the living room, going through his memory box.

I am also screaming with empathy in regards to your desire to tell people about your loss. I long to tell random strangers, anyone who will listen, that I had a beautiful baby and he is in heaven.

I guess only time will tell if we can ever be happy again.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry that you have so much hurt in your heart right now. I too wondered the same thing, will our lifes ever be happy again without the extreme pain of our loss for our beautiful babies. I saddly know the answer to it and it is no, our lives will never be as good as they were before we knew our heartbreak. We will just learn how to live with the pain and saddness. After four months I have learned how to have good times again but they are always met with saddness and want for my little girl. I just have to push myself through those moments and tell myself she is where she was ment to be and someday I will see her again. I have to try to live my life as good as I can, for me, for my family here on earth, and for my baby girl in heaven. You too will learn how to manage the pain and you will be able to have good times. Our babies will always be on our minds and we will never forget them but we have to move forward and push ourselfs to have a good life that is what our babies would want for us and they know that they will always be loved by us forever. It will all just take time and in time the wounds will heal a little more but we will still remember how much it hurt. Take care of yourself. Tons of hugs to you, Brandy
deleted_user
deleted_user

I feel the same way. I told my husband the other day, that I was so unhappy about being unhappy. Does that make sense? Our lives are forever changed and tru happiness, or laughter even seems like it isn\'t the same. When I am laughing at something funny, I ask myself if it is really that funny. It\'s hard for me to find tru joy in anything I do. I often wonder, if being pregnant again, will fix this or make matters worse. I want Keagan so much, but have realized that he\'s not coming back. So, with that said, a brother or sister will make it better> Really? I;m not totally sure. I am so sorry you are having a tough time. I know the due date is lurking, maybe that\'s where it\'s coming from right now. I sometimes think that since I had passed that date, it\'s a little easier for me. Not easier as far as not hurint gos much, but I don\'t have to wait for the looming date. My issue is that if we had only induced earlier, he\'s be here...Anyway, senidng you strength. Hugs, Mikaela
deleted_user
deleted_user

For me the hardest thing about this to grasp is the foreverness of it. I hope that one day we will have happiness without the sadness dulling it. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that monday is as peaceful as possible. Hugs,Cynthia