hanging out
I went to work today and now I am back at home... just hanging out.
I was with my family the other day - and I noticed something about myself as I was with them.
I was hanging on for dear life to maintain my composure and when I let go - it's like I nearly dissapeared. I know this must sound crazy. But I went back to hanging on again - it made me feel
like I was on top of myself around them.
Today that experience came back to me today - it made me conclude that my mind, the way it works
has me making sense of my life in a different way than others. I don't know how differently I can't quantify it -
I am sitting now on my bed - watching CNN and bored- but I am glad I am bored. I mean, I am not upset
and I am not ruminating really about anything. I just would really like to have someone in my life I can share the experience with. That day to day thing. Not having someone to share with - I think
those lonely feelings - can create a situation that is ripe for drilling down.
I caught myself nearly drilling down earlier when I didn't have the kind of experience I wanted (I think that's it) at the local CVS pharmacy. When something doesn't go as we hoped - or wished -a little awkward- for myself I know I can fixate on the negative and so it probably starts the cycle of up and down for the day.
Well I didn't drill down today - except I caught myself and then started to make a few of the observations I wrote down here. My conclusions and observations just have me on top of things right now - and rational..thank goodness.
I am nervous about my friends here reading this. It's kind of some strange stuff - I just hope not too strange.
I nearly wrote my Psychiatrist about this stuff today. I still may copy and paste it all into an email.
anyways- that's all. Have a good day!
I was with my family the other day - and I noticed something about myself as I was with them.
I was hanging on for dear life to maintain my composure and when I let go - it's like I nearly dissapeared. I know this must sound crazy. But I went back to hanging on again - it made me feel
like I was on top of myself around them.
Today that experience came back to me today - it made me conclude that my mind, the way it works
has me making sense of my life in a different way than others. I don't know how differently I can't quantify it -
I am sitting now on my bed - watching CNN and bored- but I am glad I am bored. I mean, I am not upset
and I am not ruminating really about anything. I just would really like to have someone in my life I can share the experience with. That day to day thing. Not having someone to share with - I think
those lonely feelings - can create a situation that is ripe for drilling down.
I caught myself nearly drilling down earlier when I didn't have the kind of experience I wanted (I think that's it) at the local CVS pharmacy. When something doesn't go as we hoped - or wished -a little awkward- for myself I know I can fixate on the negative and so it probably starts the cycle of up and down for the day.
Well I didn't drill down today - except I caught myself and then started to make a few of the observations I wrote down here. My conclusions and observations just have me on top of things right now - and rational..thank goodness.
I am nervous about my friends here reading this. It's kind of some strange stuff - I just hope not too strange.
I nearly wrote my Psychiatrist about this stuff today. I still may copy and paste it all into an email.
anyways- that's all. Have a good day!
Replies
Great big hug for you Marky....I\'m glad you can be straight and honest here my friend...It\' not too strange at all...
Do you think your feelings are do to illness and do you think you might need a med tweak??
I ask that as it sounds like you might be describing paranoia?? or am I wrong?
Usually if I get paranoid I need my meds increased for a bit...
I think it would be great if you met someone special.... There are a lot of online sites for dating if you were interested... That\'s how my niece met her husband and a good friend of mine is dating a great guy she met online...
I think it\'s a great idea to share what\'s going on with your pdoc as you\'re going through it... Things are still fresh in your mind..
Do you see a therapist as well Mark??
A therapist could help you with negative thinking patterns... Things can become automatic for us and a cognitive therapy can help a great deal with that... I hope you have a Happy Easter sweetie... Big hug for you...xo
thanks Jan. I don\'t see a therapist now. I go to a clinic once every three months for monitoring the basic stuff. I do have paranoia - but I have so much discomfort most of the time - I just suck it all up - and think this what I need to keep on top of. I don\'t trust myself to let go of control. I would be railroaded and perhaps also act out. Part of what I have grown to know after my last attempt at therapy - was that I need to be responsible for myself - part of that has been coming here and comiserating but part of it has been to try and not be codependent. For some reason, I am crashing a little bit right now. I want to express my innermost thoughts - but it feels like darkness and negative. The way my mind validates itself is weird.
I would talk with your pdoc asap Mark... A med tweak might be in order and it could help you to feel a lot better..
It sounds like you\'re struggling with a lot of anxiety sweetie and that sux... Meds can help with that as well... But it\'s good to have coping skills and therapy can really help with coping.... as well it sounds like you might be having \'automatic thoughts\'
I struggle with this with \'worrying\' sometimes... Things become automatic for us when we do them over and over again and we develop patterns... Therapy can help us to break the patterns that are hurting us
I don\'t know if it\'s the change of seasons or not but I\'ve seen quite a few people struggling lately....xo
Thanks Jan. I will write my Dr. an email.
There\'s a lot about automatic thoughts on the net and they have a big impact on us...Cognitive type of therapy can help a lot with this Mark... Even a cognitive group can be really good
http://askthecognitivebehaviortherapist.com/2012/05/11/automaticthinking/
thanks