Hangin\'

Just hanging in there. Lots of internal struggles still, but nothing to write about. Feeling strange, undirected; I can't really put my finger on my feelings at the moment, just staying in the now. No idea how I did on the exam, it was pretty tough, I definitely don't feel like I made a 100; I had to guess too many times. His wording and my memory were a problem. Plus I had blurred vision in both eyes yesterday. I don't know if it's an allergic reaction to something in the house, bloodsugar levels, or pills. Time to find out. The only exercise I get is walkling up three flights of stairs at school or watching the kids dance on "So you think you can Dance"; one of my favorite shows. One thing about work that I hadn't thought of before; enough of it. I can get a lot done, and then run out. My next employment I want plenty of work to keep me busy, for a longer time. My last job lasted 3 1/2 years, but even it was interspersed with all sorts of different things to do. I'd like a little consistency for a change. Something I could master that would be more valuable. Next, I want to get over the idea of who I 'should'a, would'a, could'a' have been and focus for a moment on who I am. Work wise, I either need to change myself to fit some work, or find some work career to fit who I am. I think the latter is the correct case. I've just been afraid to be who I am for fear that who am I isn't good enough. It's possible that I have been trying to be someone else all these years. By the way, we finally are getting some rain from tropical storm Dolly. Not enough yet, we're still in a drought. We need several inches, a foot maybe, before we're back to average. Also I'm slowly changing my codependent attitude of 'helping' others from one of help to one of profit. My need to be a helper of people with construction problems is interfering with my business consciousness. Some ideas are beginning to flow in, but it takes time and process to change life-long habits; but they are changing. No more being a 'nice guy' or a 'good boy' when it comes to money. I need to keep thinking 'profit' for my efforts, instead of help. As soon as I can, I need to re-read that shame book. I think it has had a good effect on me, just like it has on Hoops. Have a great day, and I will too.