Hallucinating

Today I had to leave work early because the hallucinations were getting out of hand. I was sitting at the desk and there were just tons of black spots spinning around, and I felt like bugs were crawling all over me. It sucked, so I went home. I was also kinda dizzy. I didn't get good sleep last night... I was awake around 3am, and then woke up at 10:30, so I only got like 10 hours of sleep. I think the lack of sleep plus it being summer had a lot to do with it. I'm going to go in tomorrow and hopefully have a better night's sleep. I want to go to Managed Care, since they need me there more. Joann was telling me today that Daisy (my boss at the information desk) always tried to steal her volunteers. Daisy has 3 volunteers sometimes at the desk, and there's really only room for 2 people, not 4. I know she likes me because I can schedule appointments on the computer and none of the other volunteers can. She also likes me because I can speak Spanish. In Managed Care, they need me too. They need me more than the Information Desk, even if I do like working there. The women in Managed Care are like a family- all the women know each other and joke and stuff. The Information Desk is a bit more structured, and the people working there change often.
I also just like working in Managed Care because I can use the computers more. I can still call and make appointments, but I can do the whole process now from beginning to end. I was doing that with a couple of people today. I want to try and go in tomorrow because I know that Tiffany needs me. I don't want to have to push myself too hard, though. I was feeling okay this morning, so I went in. I spent the first hour at the Information Desk covering for Daisy's lunch. Then I was over in Managed Care helping out Tiffany, who was in the ER until 5am this morning. I'm glad I was there to help her since she wasn't feeling well. I know she needs me more than Daisy. Plus, tomorrow Daisy is not going to be there, so I can work in Managed Care and not worry about being fought over. I met another volunteer today who is on summer break from Harvard, and they have him going around everywhere. I hope Daisy gets her hands on him and keeps him and lets me go. It was a bit intimidating to talk to a guy who is going to Harvard. I always compare myself to the people I meet, and so it was a bit weird for me talking to someone at that level.
Who am I kidding, though? I know I'm smart. I may be slow, but I'm also smart. I catch onto things quickly, and I'm great with computers. I have decent self esteem. I went to one of the top schools in the country, and I'm proud of that fact. USC was #27 in the country when I went there, in a group of like 3,000 colleges. I may not have the best GPA, but it was good enough for me to graduate. I would need to go back to school before getting my Master's to raise my GPA, but not too much. I just need above a 3.0 and I have a 2.89 GPA. I know now how to study, since for most of my life I didn't need to study, I would just coast along with the class and get my A. When I was in college, I wasn't ready for the level of how hard things were going to be and I didn't take them seriously. Plus, I was having breakdowns all the time. Still, with all that I managed to graduate. Now I just need to figure out what I want to do when I get off disability.
Mood today was okay... I was in a pretty good mood today, but the hallucinations make it an okay day. I don't like having them. Plus, I don't want to put that I was in a good mood while hallucinating. I got to talk to Tiffany and Joann a bit, and they were really nice. They check up on me to see how I'm doing. Geo said I should have stayed at the clinic and checked myself in (to the mental ward) but I don't need that yet. Just because I'm hallucinating is not good enough reason to check myself in. They need to be really bad... like faces with no eyes trying to attack me (which I've seen before, and freaked myself out with them last night)
Food today was good... I managed to stay in my calories, even with a Mountain Dew and an ice cream bar. I just didn't eat much today. I'm still kinda hungry, but I have room for some turkey and cheese later on if I need it. I already tracked it in my calories, so I know I'm not going over if I have it. Other than that, I had some seafood chowder and a regular dinner (chicken breast and shells with cheese).