half crazy/half worthwhile

A bunch of ideas came to mind today.

I went to work this morning and I seemed to be doing an ok job - but seemed out step

socializing...(I'm telling myself 'tomorrow will be different.').....

....then my boss showed up and her reaction was that everything seemed

to be a mess! She's a great boss and and there was a lot of work I was doing but her dismay just made me resolve to keep on doing what needed to be done

and appreciate the job 'i did do'.....and I got it done...

She came at the middle of my shift and just for the second half of the day fleeting moments of half crazy and half worthwhile flashed over me. I asked myself where this negative energy was coming from and that lit up like a lightbulb in me - and I started to grown in awareness though the crazy didn't really go away - I just was more awake while it was going on....(if that makes sense)...

As the day progressed...I didn't feel so ROOTED IN ANYTHING and half crazy and half worthwhile flashed in my mind a lot - but kept on moving forward....As I finished my day and hopped into my car to come home, I came to think the following....I think maybe instead of having a logical, orderly, 'good' day I think I gotta accept a lot of the day at work is gonna be like that - half crazy/half worthwhile..and not so rooted... Fighting that reality will only make me even more crazy. In fact maybe I like the 'action' of it too? I started to wonder...

about what I 'get out of it all' - and in line with that I even started to enjoy the drive home...rather than stand at the ready and drive 'only'........

I don't know...yet there's something to it ---- 

Also as I was just in the shower I started to think about how I've been noticing that me and all my siblings (there are 7 of us).. though we have been a tight family - we are all kind of moving in our own separate directions now...I've been thinking about accepting my own personal direction...and how that's been kind of a stumbling block for me... accepting my own choices etc...my whole sense of identity since becoming so ill and then coming home - has been about making my family my center of life, my benchmark and converting to keeping my sights on mental health, humility and building a life with everyone ...

I suppose you could say that leaning on the monastic life as I have and keeping close friends with the Abbess could be seen

as all part of that 'well behavior' aspect of my life....Actually going there to live and becoming a monk would be kind of the embodiment of that trend......

I think though accepting that life is half crazy and half worthwhile is helping me- and I have been coming slowly to a place of accepting and embracing my own life and my own direction...the adventure is out there...I know my mental health struggle might be a stumbling block but maybe it's time to love where I am in life and the people I am lucky to have in my life. 

peace,

Mark