had a glimpse of something beautiful yesterday

I went to my parents' house yesterday, and when I came home, for whatever reason (after posting some thoughts of complaint), I started to see a kind of boundary to my life, to myself. It gave me pause because I started to believe in my future. I started to see how I could start making life goals and do things that add to those goals every day. I wondered why, mentally, I had been so caught up in the flow and minutiae of each day..just surviving and getting by - rather than seeing a whole personal life I could build for myself. It was a great experience. 

Then later on, one of my Aunts called me. She knocked me out of that space and she always does knock me down.

But so it goes.

I got up this morning with the usual undermining thoughts - but then I decided to do some work around the house - and it was good - felt good too. At one point, things started to speed up so much that I needed to sit down and indulge in some stuff. Stupid stuff - but it slowed me down right away...sent me into the minutiae of the moment.

Then I went to the market for sundries and then decided to buy myself a coffee. It's so weird - my life. I wish I were dead one minute and the next minute I feel like treating myself. I have to remember the good moments, and those times when I feel open, positive and productive.

For now, it's back to finishing the coffee.