Guilty? Perhaps. Forgiven? I Think So. Loved? Yes.
October 30, 2006, my daughter Cara was hit and killed by a car while walking up the access ramp to I-10 here in Baton Rouge. So most people would say she died by accident...
I sadly am convinced Cara threw her life away. Not because she was a bad person. She was not... She was; a loving, giving, intelligent, beautiful woman who lost her way. From her earliest years Cara was a truly loving, giving person. Cara was so concerned with making others happy and needing them to like her that it worried me. I understand it because I am much the same... but there's a hard little core in me that can tell the whole world to go take a flying leap... I don't know if Cara was ever able to do that.
To me Cara's life the last 4 years of her life was an accident looking for a place to happen... Cara was rear ended in auto accident in 2002. With Cara's fragile ego the accident was the doorway to a living hell. The doctors who were recommended by her lawyers diagnosed lots of pain pills. That was the beginning of a desperate time for our whole family.
For a couple of years Cara was on the pill mill route... going to these doctors whom I consider nothing but legalized drug pushers... These doctors are so phony. The patient goes in, doesn't even have to go back to see the doctor once they are an established patient, the doctor has a prescription pad that has been rubber stamped... same three pills, same dosage for everyone... Soma, zanbar, and loritab... even the doctor's signature is put on with a rubber stamp!
A lot of these pain pill mills have been outlawed in many states... there are still many though carrying on their legalized drug pushing. I have a whole lot of hate and anger in me for these pill mills and the people who profit from them... I have to pray there is a Judgment Day and that they will be punished.
Of course praying for bad things to happen to anyone is not good... but I won't say I don't... They helped destroy my child... and you all know a lot about what I feel...
While she didn't actively commit suicide she knew that her life choices were risky to say the least and she often expressed strong suicidal wishes. I tried desperately to get help for her but it didn't happen...
In the last 6 months of Cara's life she was in detox 4 times. The first time she was detoxed the doctors said the same thing I'd been saying for several years. They said that they thought the source of Cara's addictions were psychological and that she needed long term in patient hospital care.
Detox facilities only keep patients a week to 10 days. Each time Cara went into Detox they made the same recommendation for long term in patient care. There were no openings. I called facilities in Louisiana, Texas, and Mississippi. Most of them had few if any beds for women and none were available. So Cara would be discharged from the detox center with their recommendation that she get on the waiting list to go into a long term care in patient care facility.
So we would get her on the waiting list. Within a week usually, sometimes the same day, Cara would use drugs, alcohol it was all just a means to end her life. Cara and her family too were literally hurt that the doctors didn't care enough to save her from herself. We all knew she was in danger of ending up dead. We tried desperately to save her.
Its hard to explain what was going on. The first day or two when Cara would be in detox she would still be somewhat hostile... then the next few days when I visited she would become hopeful... she would be so much like the Cara I knew before the addictions took her over... but when she came out and she was facing handling the addiction on her own... she was scared and angry... filled with despair... feeling that if anyone cared they'd get her into a center and help her... Cara wanted help desperately... It just wasn't available.
Before it was time for Cara to be admitted to a long term facility she would be using again... the long term facilities took her name off their list and said to submit her name again after she had completed another stay in a detox facility. The cycle would start all over again. I hear that they do try harder to get people straight from detox to a long term facility now. I so desperately hope it is true.
I'm sure many of you have experienced many moments when you wondered about the things that may or may not have led up to your child's death... Suffered a lot of heartache, possibly feelings of what could/should I have done, and so much more... I definitely have and definitely feel like I wish I could have done things differently... been a different kind of person even... I honestly believe that my own childhood trauma that contributed to my extreme lack of self confidence was something my daughter lived with and incorporated into her own negative feelings of self worth that led to the addictions and the depression and anxiety which resulted in her walking up that access ramp on October 30, 2006 at 3:05am to her death ...
Even though it makes me choke up... I am grateful to be able to share my daughter and my pain with moms who understand. Even though I do feel like I contributed to Cara's death I know it wasn't deliberate. I know I loved and love her. I believe she loved and loves me. I believe she forgives me. I forgive myself although its an ongoing struggle. I will always hurt over her death, over what I might have, could have... but I know I tried. I accept I am human... I am writing all this to say if you're struggling with the guilt... I truly believe your child loves you and wants you to forgive yourself.
My name on FB is Elissa Smith. I do hope you'll add me if you're on FB. I love FMO here and Daily Strength for the journal and the discussion posts... I like FMO on FB because a lot of time you read and click on like... because basically you just want to say you read, i.e. heard the posters message and support the message/them.
Wishing us all gentle days or even just moments. Hugs Elissa
I sadly am convinced Cara threw her life away. Not because she was a bad person. She was not... She was; a loving, giving, intelligent, beautiful woman who lost her way. From her earliest years Cara was a truly loving, giving person. Cara was so concerned with making others happy and needing them to like her that it worried me. I understand it because I am much the same... but there's a hard little core in me that can tell the whole world to go take a flying leap... I don't know if Cara was ever able to do that.
To me Cara's life the last 4 years of her life was an accident looking for a place to happen... Cara was rear ended in auto accident in 2002. With Cara's fragile ego the accident was the doorway to a living hell. The doctors who were recommended by her lawyers diagnosed lots of pain pills. That was the beginning of a desperate time for our whole family.
For a couple of years Cara was on the pill mill route... going to these doctors whom I consider nothing but legalized drug pushers... These doctors are so phony. The patient goes in, doesn't even have to go back to see the doctor once they are an established patient, the doctor has a prescription pad that has been rubber stamped... same three pills, same dosage for everyone... Soma, zanbar, and loritab... even the doctor's signature is put on with a rubber stamp!
A lot of these pain pill mills have been outlawed in many states... there are still many though carrying on their legalized drug pushing. I have a whole lot of hate and anger in me for these pill mills and the people who profit from them... I have to pray there is a Judgment Day and that they will be punished.
Of course praying for bad things to happen to anyone is not good... but I won't say I don't... They helped destroy my child... and you all know a lot about what I feel...
While she didn't actively commit suicide she knew that her life choices were risky to say the least and she often expressed strong suicidal wishes. I tried desperately to get help for her but it didn't happen...
In the last 6 months of Cara's life she was in detox 4 times. The first time she was detoxed the doctors said the same thing I'd been saying for several years. They said that they thought the source of Cara's addictions were psychological and that she needed long term in patient hospital care.
Detox facilities only keep patients a week to 10 days. Each time Cara went into Detox they made the same recommendation for long term in patient care. There were no openings. I called facilities in Louisiana, Texas, and Mississippi. Most of them had few if any beds for women and none were available. So Cara would be discharged from the detox center with their recommendation that she get on the waiting list to go into a long term care in patient care facility.
So we would get her on the waiting list. Within a week usually, sometimes the same day, Cara would use drugs, alcohol it was all just a means to end her life. Cara and her family too were literally hurt that the doctors didn't care enough to save her from herself. We all knew she was in danger of ending up dead. We tried desperately to save her.
Its hard to explain what was going on. The first day or two when Cara would be in detox she would still be somewhat hostile... then the next few days when I visited she would become hopeful... she would be so much like the Cara I knew before the addictions took her over... but when she came out and she was facing handling the addiction on her own... she was scared and angry... filled with despair... feeling that if anyone cared they'd get her into a center and help her... Cara wanted help desperately... It just wasn't available.
Before it was time for Cara to be admitted to a long term facility she would be using again... the long term facilities took her name off their list and said to submit her name again after she had completed another stay in a detox facility. The cycle would start all over again. I hear that they do try harder to get people straight from detox to a long term facility now. I so desperately hope it is true.
I'm sure many of you have experienced many moments when you wondered about the things that may or may not have led up to your child's death... Suffered a lot of heartache, possibly feelings of what could/should I have done, and so much more... I definitely have and definitely feel like I wish I could have done things differently... been a different kind of person even... I honestly believe that my own childhood trauma that contributed to my extreme lack of self confidence was something my daughter lived with and incorporated into her own negative feelings of self worth that led to the addictions and the depression and anxiety which resulted in her walking up that access ramp on October 30, 2006 at 3:05am to her death ...
Even though it makes me choke up... I am grateful to be able to share my daughter and my pain with moms who understand. Even though I do feel like I contributed to Cara's death I know it wasn't deliberate. I know I loved and love her. I believe she loved and loves me. I believe she forgives me. I forgive myself although its an ongoing struggle. I will always hurt over her death, over what I might have, could have... but I know I tried. I accept I am human... I am writing all this to say if you're struggling with the guilt... I truly believe your child loves you and wants you to forgive yourself.
My name on FB is Elissa Smith. I do hope you'll add me if you're on FB. I love FMO here and Daily Strength for the journal and the discussion posts... I like FMO on FB because a lot of time you read and click on like... because basically you just want to say you read, i.e. heard the posters message and support the message/them.
Wishing us all gentle days or even just moments. Hugs Elissa
Replies
Thank you for sharing your daughters story. her journey sounds a lot like my sons. I some times think I too contributed to his death, but never intended to. But then there are days I feel I did all I could, but does that make it any easier? No, through time, I hope to forgive myself and in my heart I know he loved me and take comfort in knowing he isn\'t hurting any more. I spent about a100 thousand dollars over the last 15 years and still ask what if I hadn\'t sent money, what it, and why... I remember at his memorial service, some of he closest friends asked me if he did it on purpose? I\'ll never know, not sure I want too. But again thanks for sharing your story, I\'m trying to understand and get a little closer at least knowing I\'m not alone nor crazy and the feelings I have are what ever normal is. I don\'t know what else I could have done, bot for now I think about it every day...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and anguish over Cara\'s passing. I too think about Jason\'s passing, his was a suicide and I wish his life did not end but I honestly don\'t know what I could have done differently to keep it from happening, and I think the same is true for you -- you did what you could. It\'s a lot easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves, but in reality there is nothing to forgive.
Sending Big Tight Hugs....until we can get some real ones in Boston.
Terry
Thank you for sharing Cara with us...you both had a very difficult time
Thank you Elissa for sharing more of your story...Cara\'s story with us. I read this not only with my eyes, but with my heart....I know you know what I mean. I so wish Cara\'s human experience had turned out differently....so wish Kala\'s had....
Like you I know I made mistakes. Like you I know my own childhood trauma\'s contributed not only to my life, but to my children\'s lives. Like you, I know Kala loves me and forgives all my failures and shortcomings as a mom and as a person. And like you, I work daily at self forgiveness, realizing and accepting I too am only human, and flawed by nature.
I love you and I appreciate you and I send all the love in my heart to Cara~~
Elissa i\'m going to friend request you on facebook...
The circumstances around the loss of my 12 year old Jessy are very different from you and Cara, BUT somehow, in some way, we ALL seem to find the part in it that WE could have done different, that WE are responsible for.
But you know what? Being a mom is most probable THE hardest job any person can ever have. The responsibility is beyond enormous, and we do the best we can - EVEN if we feel it\'s not our best, we are human. You are an amazing mom. We are all products of our childhood, and mine also impacts on our children, but our intentions are OF course the best for our kids.
Love janice
I think guilt goes with the terrority of losing your child and being a mother - if we had only done one thing differently could we have changed anything? It never goes away. I struggled with it constantly although I know in my head that i did what I could with the info I had in the moment. My heart refused to believe. I\'m better at forgiving myself these days. You are a great mom who unconditionally loved her daughter - and that\'s the best we can be, really.
PS I hear you about long term facilities. My eldest daughter had significant abuse problems and a suicide attempt and it was very hard to find a place that could keep her as long as needed. There just isn\'t enough help for addiction.
Joanna x
Elissa, I too am struggling with the \"what if\'s\". I think it\'s in the fine print of being called \"Mom\". We live for so many years being completely in control and 100% responsible that even when we see our children become adults we reflect their choices back to being our responsibility. At the end of the day, when the dust settles Cara loves you, you are the perfect Mom for her. Warts and all. I know I feel very strongly that my choices - my responsibility (Not my parents - mine!) and I need to believe that my adult children agree.
I am repeating what ter1 stated so perfectly - there is nothing to forgive.
Huggs
Merrilee
The title of your journal says it all dear friend. I know that I too wonder about all the things that I missed or was in denial over with Douglas. Thank goodness our children know they are loved beyond measure. I keep thinking that now they can see clearly and understand our hearts perhaps even better than we are able to.
Dear Cara, Douglas and countless others who struggle with this horrible disease of addiction. In A-Anon I learned the 3 C\'s, \"I didn\'t cause it, I can\'t cure it and I can\'t control it.\" When I allow myself to fully embrace this truth I know that this was Doug\'s life path. I\'ll never for a moment understand it, yet it was his and knowing that he does not have that monkey of addiction clinging to his back always brings a deep sigh...
Thank you for sharing your beautiful Cara with us and how you are feeling. It helps to know that I\'m not alone in these feelings too.
Gentle care and lots of love,
XO Joanie
Seems as tho many of us feel a measure of guilt around losing our children. Could we have done better in parenting....maybe.
Could we have loved them any more....no.
Our children would not want us to be so burdened with guilt.
I have a hard time letting go of the guilt for myself, but I feel better able to let it go for my sons. The intense love you have for Cara is so evident.
May peace rest upon your heart.
Very well written Ellisa,. I to am struggling on a daily basis of that deadly emotion Guilt...If we don\'t forgive ourselves of guilt, it will eat us up and kill us.. You know I was thinking about the \"Guilt\" Emotion last week, I\'ve always felt from as long as I can remember, I always felt guilty for some reason, I didn\'t have enough years behind me to feel guilt for anything... All the emotions I felt starting out with afraid which led to guilt to feel less then, anger all those emotions from the start.. which I believe I can remember 3, 4,5 yrs old...I might sound Crazy but I believe it stems from the past, BUT at that age we didn\'t have a past to feel like that. I believe it comes from OUR PAST LIFE..Sounds crazy, I believe we had a past life and was born again.. I saw a video on this Doctor last week and I was blown away. What he was talking about is this very same thing I had been feeling myself.. I need to find the video, cuz I\'m not good at explaining it. This doctor talked on about it for along time and it was amazing...Let me see if I ca find it!!! Sorry for letting you hanging there, Hahaha, I BRB!!! XO