Guilt Over Abuser's Illness

I am having a hard day today. My ex is in a painful situation. His neck has several degenerating disks and he most likely bed-ridden (I don't know because I have not spoken to him). I do know that he needs surgery. I bet you can guess who made sure I knew that he would need an operation!!! You are right, my ex!!!
 
I want to be there for him, to hold his hand, to tell him that it is al going to be okay, that I will love him no matter what. I am not even sure that it is true that I love him anymore... Or that I ever did. Obsession is more like it, masquerading as love. He has hurt me and disappointed me so many times that I do not believe my soul has it within me to forget his actions and be the pure, unbridled person I was around him anymore. Nor does he deserve it!
 
That ship has sailed!
 
I still feel like a horrible person for leaving him suffering in bed as I go about living my life. It feels unfair, unjust somehow.
 
I have to remind myself that he left me alone and didn't come visit me for almost two months when I was so sick I could barely get out of bed. I had an emergency tonsillectomy (because I couldn't breathe) and he waited until I was back at home and my parents gone before he came by.
 
I spent weeks alone. I couldn't talk, so I asked everyone to stay away. Probably not the best idea, because I felt very isolated an alone. The truth is, I wanted him there, and he was no where to be found.
 
So why is it so hard for me to forget about him?
 
I feel terrible doing so.
Ughhh!!