Guilt and Panic
Another installment of 'Love It Or Leave It: The Jolene Installments.
Right now I feel so upset. Honestly, I wonder if the hormones I had while pregnant just never left. I can't stop dwelling on things that, according to Joey, aren't my problem.
It's my mother again.
She can't catch a break. No matter how hard she tries. She finally found a house, well a duplex, and man oh man is she being taken!! She is paying 850 a month for a shit hole. There are holes all over the place, the door doesn't fit in the frame, the windows leak, the carpet is pea green while the walls are a lovely shade of seafoam gross. She has been there two weeks, and the landlord has yet to come with the lease for her to sign. He did not do a walk through, nor did he do the things before she moved in her promised. Such as cleaning the carpets and washing the walls.
My neice, whom my mother raises, is out of control. She drinks almost every night. She does pot, and we are noticing behaviors that go hand in hand with E as well. She is always swearing and calling my mother horrible names. Telling her things that I would never dream of saying to an adult. My mother does all she can for my neice. She doesn't recieve any financial assistance, though she is trying, therefore my neice is always throwing it in her face that they are poor and it's all my mothers fault. My neice is only 13, therefore, she cannot be kicked out, nor forced to stay. My mother cannot lay a finger on her and is forced to take the verbal and emotional abuse my neice dishes out on a daily basis.
My mum hasn't had a working car for almost a year. Finally it got fixed. She neglected to check her license, and got pulled over, and when it was checked it was expired. Not by alot, mind you, but by enough she now has a 500 dollar ticket. On top of that she has 300 in utilities to pay off. She has almost 700 oweing to storage before she can even get at her stuff. Her house is almost empty except a few things I have been able to get for her. She now can't drive until she renews her license, wich she can't do until she finds a butt load of money. She doesn't make fantastic money. 11 an hour. And her job depends on the weather so as of late work has been scarce.
She's barely living. Money is always looming over her head. She is still paying off a loan she took out in order for us not to be homeless again when I was in my teens. And due to a bankruptcy claim when my father died, the only place that would loan her the money wants a kidney for interest.
And here I am. 23. She gave up so much for me. And I own a home. We have a pretty reliable car, that was gifted to me. We are, in no means, hurting for money. We always have a minimum of 2000 in the bank account. My mother is struggling, and I feel like I stepped all over her to get to where I am. I feel so guilty.
So now you ask, why don't you lend her some cash so she can breathe?
And I answer, we need the money. It sounds silly, and people roll their eyes when I tell them we can't afford things when everyone knows we have a few grand in the bank. We saved our asses off to get that money. It's our fall back. Joey had a kidney transplant five years ago, his new kidney could just be like 'adios, kidney out' at any time. So we made sure we had enough socked away that if that should happen, knock on wood, I would not find myself and my daughter homeless and hungry while I desperatley searched for a job. We saved enough to pay for a month and a half of our bills.
I want to give my mother the money. With all my heart. But I can't. And it's not MY money, its OUR money. And as such, I can't do what I want with it willy nilly.
I know I got to where I am with alot of hard work and luck. Determination and skill. But I can't help to feel that my mother could be where I was if we hadn't been there to drag her down.
She looks so sad all the time. Depressed and lonely. Not that she will admit it. Golden Growing Up Rule: never let the kids see you down.
I just keep crying over it.
Right now I feel so upset. Honestly, I wonder if the hormones I had while pregnant just never left. I can't stop dwelling on things that, according to Joey, aren't my problem.
It's my mother again.
She can't catch a break. No matter how hard she tries. She finally found a house, well a duplex, and man oh man is she being taken!! She is paying 850 a month for a shit hole. There are holes all over the place, the door doesn't fit in the frame, the windows leak, the carpet is pea green while the walls are a lovely shade of seafoam gross. She has been there two weeks, and the landlord has yet to come with the lease for her to sign. He did not do a walk through, nor did he do the things before she moved in her promised. Such as cleaning the carpets and washing the walls.
My neice, whom my mother raises, is out of control. She drinks almost every night. She does pot, and we are noticing behaviors that go hand in hand with E as well. She is always swearing and calling my mother horrible names. Telling her things that I would never dream of saying to an adult. My mother does all she can for my neice. She doesn't recieve any financial assistance, though she is trying, therefore my neice is always throwing it in her face that they are poor and it's all my mothers fault. My neice is only 13, therefore, she cannot be kicked out, nor forced to stay. My mother cannot lay a finger on her and is forced to take the verbal and emotional abuse my neice dishes out on a daily basis.
My mum hasn't had a working car for almost a year. Finally it got fixed. She neglected to check her license, and got pulled over, and when it was checked it was expired. Not by alot, mind you, but by enough she now has a 500 dollar ticket. On top of that she has 300 in utilities to pay off. She has almost 700 oweing to storage before she can even get at her stuff. Her house is almost empty except a few things I have been able to get for her. She now can't drive until she renews her license, wich she can't do until she finds a butt load of money. She doesn't make fantastic money. 11 an hour. And her job depends on the weather so as of late work has been scarce.
She's barely living. Money is always looming over her head. She is still paying off a loan she took out in order for us not to be homeless again when I was in my teens. And due to a bankruptcy claim when my father died, the only place that would loan her the money wants a kidney for interest.
And here I am. 23. She gave up so much for me. And I own a home. We have a pretty reliable car, that was gifted to me. We are, in no means, hurting for money. We always have a minimum of 2000 in the bank account. My mother is struggling, and I feel like I stepped all over her to get to where I am. I feel so guilty.
So now you ask, why don't you lend her some cash so she can breathe?
And I answer, we need the money. It sounds silly, and people roll their eyes when I tell them we can't afford things when everyone knows we have a few grand in the bank. We saved our asses off to get that money. It's our fall back. Joey had a kidney transplant five years ago, his new kidney could just be like 'adios, kidney out' at any time. So we made sure we had enough socked away that if that should happen, knock on wood, I would not find myself and my daughter homeless and hungry while I desperatley searched for a job. We saved enough to pay for a month and a half of our bills.
I want to give my mother the money. With all my heart. But I can't. And it's not MY money, its OUR money. And as such, I can't do what I want with it willy nilly.
I know I got to where I am with alot of hard work and luck. Determination and skill. But I can't help to feel that my mother could be where I was if we hadn't been there to drag her down.
She looks so sad all the time. Depressed and lonely. Not that she will admit it. Golden Growing Up Rule: never let the kids see you down.
I just keep crying over it.
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