Guess this is that roller coaster
Feeling not too bad today. tired and didn't get enough sleep. I went to a meeting last night that was held in the gay area of Toronto. I know things have changed, and I do try to accept that, but it's still weird to me when I see two men holding hands.
The meeting seemed to be all gay, and I felt uncomfortable. I like the people, and some are very funny in different way's, but it's still a little weird for me. Just different.
Anyway the meeting was about anger and resentments. I wanted to talk about mine, but I chickened out. But listening was still good.
I'm so full of resentments that I really do think that's the reason I keep on relapsing. I have resentments from 20 years ago or even more. Even at the shelter I'm staying at, my resentments about the staff are driving me crazy. Last night I wanted to get out early just to get away because I felt so much anger building up inside of me. In my head it just keeps going on and on picking every nick, and cranny of any things I can consider wrong. It's really tiring. I wake up sometimes so emotionally drained.
What I find can help a lot is some other stuff that I read. When I was in prison I got into Budhism. No, I'm not a monk or have any intention of becoming one, but I love the peace of mind that I get from reading it, and practicing the teachings. I find it really is a great way to be. I love the meditation of it.
I find hard it hard to practice where I am because of so many people, and the talking and noise. I can do it and feel so peaceful, but to hang onto it is hard. I lose that peace sometimes as soon as I hit the door to go out. It just leaves my mind. I know it gets better in time, so I'm waiting for that. I know things will change. I won't be in this shelter long, or the position that I have gotten myself into. Thank God. Have a great day.
The meeting seemed to be all gay, and I felt uncomfortable. I like the people, and some are very funny in different way's, but it's still a little weird for me. Just different.
Anyway the meeting was about anger and resentments. I wanted to talk about mine, but I chickened out. But listening was still good.
I'm so full of resentments that I really do think that's the reason I keep on relapsing. I have resentments from 20 years ago or even more. Even at the shelter I'm staying at, my resentments about the staff are driving me crazy. Last night I wanted to get out early just to get away because I felt so much anger building up inside of me. In my head it just keeps going on and on picking every nick, and cranny of any things I can consider wrong. It's really tiring. I wake up sometimes so emotionally drained.
What I find can help a lot is some other stuff that I read. When I was in prison I got into Budhism. No, I'm not a monk or have any intention of becoming one, but I love the peace of mind that I get from reading it, and practicing the teachings. I find it really is a great way to be. I love the meditation of it.
I find hard it hard to practice where I am because of so many people, and the talking and noise. I can do it and feel so peaceful, but to hang onto it is hard. I lose that peace sometimes as soon as I hit the door to go out. It just leaves my mind. I know it gets better in time, so I'm waiting for that. I know things will change. I won't be in this shelter long, or the position that I have gotten myself into. Thank God. Have a great day.
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