Guilt
I have had problems with my bladder my entire life. My earliest memories have to do with peeing, isn't that sad??? Anyway, it was one of many things I was terrified Cassi would inherit from me. So I watched her closely and there was never a problem...until a few months before I lost her. She was calling me and telling me about it...she was an hour's drive away. She had seen me go through so much, she knew about the AZO standard you can buy over the counter. She was taking it, but still having problems. She tried different antibiotics...it kept coming back, chronic UTI infections. Once I went months where either I was on medication or, if not, then in pain with my bladder. I went to a specialist and had a very painful procedure done...a camera was run up into my bladder so the doctor could look around. The pain was so bad that I poured sweat, the exam table was wet, I sweated through the paper. My husband was with me and drove me to my appointments. I am in a lot of pain today...I don't know if it's a UTI of just that my bladder is inflamed. I was finally diagnosed with chronic cystitis, which means there is no bacteria present, the lining of my bladder just becomes inflamed for no reason. Cassi eventually went to a Urologist and had the same procedure done. I was reminded of it today, because I am in so much pain and I wonder...what the hell was I thinking??? I should have taken off from work and gone to Pensacola to take care of her...why didn't I do that??? She was calling me, telling me, "Momma, I have to go to the bathroom every few minutes, the AZO isn't working". I should have gone to her...I know what everyone is saying and how I would respond to another mother who was feeling guilty...there is a reel to reel playing in my brain of all the ways I failed her, mistakes I made...things I did that I should not have done...things I didn't do that I should have done. It's the woulda, coulda, shoulda we tell each other not to do...but we all do, don't we??? We can be so loving and forgiving to each other, but not with ourselves...I want to tell her how sorry I am and I know she would forgive me, I am sure she has already forgiven me. It's so damn hard to forgive myself...but I KNOW it impedes healing and I know the more negative energy wrapped around me like a cloak makes it harder for her to communicate with me. So why am I so stubborn???
Replies
Yes, it is something ALL of us do and I know I do still at times... Oh, I shudder to think of some of things I said, did, didn\'t say and didn\'t do... Part of this human path and to be a parent is filled with these guilt moments whether our children are living or not and when they are no longer with us it is almost too much to contain.
Gina, poke around and examine all of these thoughts and feelings as you are and ask Cassi to forgive you. I have asked Douglas countless times and I have to believe that our children truly SEE with new eyes now and know our hearts even in ways that we cannot not.
The only way that I can move beyond the reel playing over and over again is to surrender it and ask that it be sent back transformed into healing energy for me.
This takes time, Gina, and I\'m not sure you are being \"stubborn...\" The forgiveness of self takes a lifetime and just in the ways that our Cassi and Douglas ask for our forgiveness we ask for theirs and hope that we can give ourselves that same gift of consolation. Deepest of sighs...
Gentle and loving care,
XO Joanie
I am sorry that you have such problems with your bladder, Gina. I have never had a UTI, but I have heard that it is very painful. And yes, we all suffer with the \"woulda, coulda, shoulda\'s\". Somewhere along the journey, you have to forgive yourself. Perhaps that starts with asking our children to forgive us. In an idyllic world, it is easy for some to say to have \"no regrets\" but I personally find that I think that is impossible. If you had no regrets, how would you ever learn? I agree with everything that Joanie wrote and especially that I do not think you are stubborn. It just takes time to learn how to forgive ourselves.
Peace to you.
Oh the woulda couldas. My favorite friends! Please stomp them out of your life, they will haunt you if you let them.Nothing can bring you down like they can. Please believe you did what you believed needed to be done at the time, given the information provided. Perhaps if you were provided different information you would have reacted differently but this one time this is what you had to work with. You didn\'t do it wrong. \"IT\" was wrong and it was done to you. Love&hugs. Colleen
I understand because I\'ve been doing the same thing.
I\'ll never be able to forgive myself for my sins of both Omission & Commission in regard to Charlie. I wish I could go ahead & die this minute. It would be a relief & a mercy. I truly hope that you\'re not feeling as upset & as desperate as I am now. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare because I don\'t want to live any more without him.
Oh Gina, I rub my parenting mistakes in own face daily. My last conversation with my son was an argument over my parenting of my daughter. He was gone a week later. I did not yell back at him, but I walked into my room and shut the door. He was gone a week later. I knew that he wasn\'t acting right, but he was a grown man. I should have called him the next day..coulda, woulda, shoulda.
You are human and a mother, guilt is as much a part of us as is our stretch marks, a part that we don\'t want, that does us no good what so ever but never the less a part of us. Yes it is easy to say :Don\'t give in to the guilt\" and we mean every word of it as we all know from experience how much damage it does and the very dark and scary places that it can take you. But just keep reminding yourself that she would have forgiven you, so please try and forgive yourself and if you must spend some time with guilt try and make it as little as you can and remember to be gentle on yourself and feel the forgiveness and love that your wonderful daughter would give you! I was once alone in my car having a melt down and I hears my son\'s voice in my head asking me that if our roles had been reversed would I want him sitting there feeling the feelings that I was. I honestly would not and realized that he did not want me feeling the way that I was or dealing with the self inflicted guilt that I was. So if it helps at all try and think of how you would want her to feel if your roles had been reversed. I hope that this makes sense to you. So please be as gentle on your self as she would be, sending big gentle hugs....Kathy
I\'m so sorry for the problem you have with your bladder....must be awfully painful and frustrating. I\'m sorry Cassi developed the same problem. I pray something can be done to permanently fix it.
OH the guilt. We seem to be masters at guilt! For things we did, things we didn\'t do.....even things we did right, but not soon enough, or often enough. Good grief but we beat ourselves up!
Here\'s where I had to get with MY basket full of guilt: I either REALLY believed Kala lives in Perfection or I don\'t. That\'s the bottom line for me. And once I accepted that truth in it\'s fullness, that meant I had to accept MY truth in it\'s fullness. I AM HUMAN, living on this planet we call earth, doing human things, having human thoughts, making human mistakes, learning human lessons, for the purpose of growing my SPIRITUAL self and hopefully, helping other humans to grow as well. NO where in the book of being human does it read if I am not perfect 100% of the time I have failed at being human! That is for my soul once I shed this earth suit and return to LOVE.
So, constantly bitching myself out over what I\'m doing wrong here, constantly belittling myself, constantly asking Kala to forgive me, is really just a slap in the face of God and Kala.
If I can\'t SEE my beauty, I insult God. If I can\'t appreciate ME, the whole of me, I insult God. If I can\'t accept Kala\'s forgiveness, I insult Kala. If I can\'t truly, with my whole heart, say to Spirit, \"I am an amazing creation who learns from mistakes and victories with equal grace, humility and compassion\", I insult all of creation.
Trust me my sweet friend, we\'ve all felt guilty over our life choices. In my opinion, guilt is to serve one purpose....to open a door for us to change where needed, to make amends where needed, and to move forward in POSITIVE energy. Once we allow grief to do it\'s job, we do not visit it again. There is no need to cut open a wound which as already healed...
I DO understand!!! But I also know there is a better way to live our human lives than to torture ourselves with negative thoughts, constant guilt, and an unwillingness to allow ourselves to be what God created....HUMAN!
We are ALL perfectly flawed! Just as our creator intended!
Smile~~
Tight heart hugs and lots of LOVE to you and Cassi!
I will not lecture because we all have regrets and blame ourselves. I just keep reminding myself that I did the best I could at the time. \"If I knew then what I know now..\" But I didn\'t.
As for the cystitis. I am so sorry. I expect you have tried everything - but don\'t give up trying. It is a dreadful condition to live with.
Love to Cassi.
Huge caring hugs,
Marlene
Cystitis is so painful - I too, have had many bladder issues and struggle with them from time to time. I\'m so sorry that you have this also...it SUCKS!
In regards to shoulda, woulda, coulda, I go there frequently. I discovered another one of Jennifer\'s journals written in 2002 and she wrote how she \"struggled with me\" and at times wish I could have been a different Mom to her....I didn\'t read the entire journal ( discarded it) . But I will tell you I spent time, wishin\' , hopin\' that I would have been different,,,wishin I would have said this or said that to give her EXACTLY what she needed.....
Gina, I was told by a close friend to go over \"it all\", learn from my reactions so that I won\'t react that way again, forgive myself, and everytime one of those thoughts comes up, remind myself that I have forgiven that. Sometimes you have to FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT....Say it before it\'s really in your heart....soon the forgiveness will become a reality....BECAUSE when I see my daughter again, NONE OF THIS WILL MATTER.....There will be no imperfections....There will be tears of joy, time will mean nothing, only JOY OF BEING REUNITED.....
It is only here on earth that we struggle with such thoughts that really serve no purpose to keep repeating in our heads, but we do. Cassi knew you loved her and would do anything for her when it was possible. Cassi knows!
Gina, I pray for a moment of peace to you today. ((hugs)) Vicki
The coulda shoulda\'s will drive one crazy. I have so many regrets, but cannot do a damn thing about them now. Time has taught me that.. Do go easy on your self.
Hugs Penny
Finally, after too many uti\'s to count, I am on Nitrofurantoin every single day. Since this prescription, no more uti\'s. My uroglogist sees me once in a while. By the by, older women with uti\'s show signs of distress and confusion.
I do hope you are feeling better. My son, Jacob, skyped me while he was suffering and I didn\'t tell him to go to the hospital. He died a few nights after that last skype. Died in his sleep four years ago. I still feel the guilt, it presses on me whenever I allow it to seep back in. Courage my friend! Courage, we would all give the world to have our kids back, our kidneys, our hearts, our legs and arms. But it\'s not to be. Love, Abby
Hello Gina, I am so sorry you are in physical pain. I hope it eases up soon.
I feel guilty for the many mistakes I made parenting Ed. And it hurts. I have apologized to Ed as I did when I became aware of a mistake I made when he was alive but we are human. By God\'s grace we do the best we can and we live and learn. Our children live surrounded by perfect love and light and they know our heart...fully..and know we love them and did our best. Hold on to that. Love to you and Cassi, Linda
I\'m so sorry your are dealing with Chroinic Cystitis, a disease little is know n about.
as we age hindsight is 20/20. All those things we coulda, shoulda, woulda done differently, IF we has known better...
I know I failed to be the mother I wanted to be at times, but my girls loved, and love me, in spite of my failures. They are as proud of me as I am of them... that and their love never changes.
Hugs, MaryLou