guilt

I feel this extreme sense of guilt when I take care of myself. I slept 8 hours last night and I woke up feeling really guilty. Like there's so many better things to do. Like I don't deserve to feel well-rested. Like I'm not as important as all of the other things and people in my life. I really think this is one of the reasons I smoke- to override the part of me that doesn't take care of me. Bc when I smoke I pass out and I'm able to not work without feeling guilty. But u know- when I was in school and I quit I learned how to take care of myself. I think its something I have to break thru in myself. There's a part of me that still sees myself thru my father's eyes. So I think I should be working 24/7 or I'm wasting my life. That feeling used to make me more productive- but I was a lot more resilient back in the day. Now it makes me fold. It makes me smoke and say fuck it. It makes me think- is that all there is? Am I not meant to have joy in my life? I wonder if I actually think that- like my only purpose is to work. Why do I think that and how the fuck can I make it stop? My therapist says that if I ask questions out loud I'll get the answer. So maybe I'll find out why.