Growing Stronger everyday

I think my fights started to escalate (or maybe that when I just started noticing it) when I started stepping back from him, and standing up for myself..   I wasnt the good little wife anymore...  I wasnt forgiving and forgetting the fights, and the words, and the bruises...  I could tell the diff... between a normal fight with him, or a fight... that he was gonna lose control...   OR by a certain "mood" he was in.   I knew by the way he was acting or treating me.... .... what he was gonna pull, that night, by not coming home, or coming home 2 am, 3am, 4 am,  really drunk...passing out in the entry way… or  yes starting a fight... I knew the point of no return with him, when he would just snap.. and lose control...  And start break something.. whether that be throwing it, pushing it.. punching it.... He never has "hit" me... Now… Saying that... yes …..I have gotten hurt...by him... but not from hitting...  he has grabbed me.. by my wrists and ankles and held me down, or squeezed really tight.. to where I have bruises and fingerprint marks, he has shoved me or pushed me out of his way.. to where I fall against something... or usually get hurt...He has broken numerous things...thrown things... slammed things, torn down things, punched holes in walls,has flipped my mattress over... Has raised his hand,.. to me, but has never hit me.. I have been with him 13 years... and the verbal abuse.. has always been there.. the jealousy has always been there... But... the breaking stuff, and me getting hurt...  starting happening after my kids were born...  and yes….it got worse each and every time..   to where the last time... when he broke my closet doors, I was gonna call the people I work with deputies to arrest him...  thats when he hurt me.. by squeezing my hands to get my cell phone.. and popped my knuckle out of joint.. and squeezed my ankle....... to where I was swollen and had bruises.   To where I couldn’t hide the bruises and swelling and pain even if I tried…   My sister saw them that morning, my baby sister, who I love dearly, and who I have hidden things from for years.. saw the bruises and the swelling.. and was shocked.  My sister who usually has something to say ABOUT everything.. for once… didn’t know what to say.   Her and her husband knew… heard about some of the fights… but I think this was the first time, she really “saw” how severe it really was.  Her husband… I think “saw” how severe it was.  He didn’t want me to go home that night.. I was worried about me… He told me to leave…  Her husband is the most laid back guy around, and her husband and my hubby are buddies when they are around… and he isn’t one to get involved or to say anything about other people marriages.. and he did..   My sister even talked to MY MOTHER IN LAW.. about her son.. about what he did to me… about her SON left bruises on me…and how pissed off she was……  That’s when yet …again.. I knew.. something had to change.But u know .. He didn’t see the bruises, because he chose to “not see it”  cause even then... it was its ur fault, u made me do it...  Ohh.. he knew I was hurt… he knew… but he overlooked it… cause then he would have to admit to himself that something was wrong… there are a lot.. a lot.. a lot.. a lot.. of episodes, that aren’t written, my story that is wrote…. is just a tiny bit, of what has all happened...  because I had just found this site in December...  The thing I found out….when I started this process…  is that its gonna worse before it gets better!!!! IF it gets better... I was lost, didn’t know who or what I was anymore…. .. and I was sick of being lost and a nobody.  I got fed up… fed up with just being there.  I hit my low..my bottom… I got to the point.. where I was dead inside... and I just wanted to run long and hard in the other direction from him, away from him….    I felt nothing but hate and pity, and to think or to be intimate with him, grossed me out..... That’s how I knew…. That’s how I knew it was time….   I needed time away from him, away from the shit, the excuses, the stress of the everyday with him... You have to just come to a point, where u say enough is enough.    I thought I was gonna go crazy at times, and I was lonely and scared, but writing at this site, talking with a couple people here at work helped alot.  I didnt have many friends, cause I have closed myself off over the years, didnt want anyone to know what was going on.  Plus what was the point no one understood… I heard the same thing over and over  my family.... I didnt want them to know the whole story... plus… its funny I didn’t want them to hate him… or I didn’t want to hear the same old shit…  his family…. Knew a lil bit, but they would say “oh gosh… he cant do that”  and then nothing…   and u know whats funny...   Is that I wasnt interested in ever ……ever ………ever……….. having a man in my life again...     I wasnt attracted to anyone, I didnt want to ever date anyone.    Just never wanted to deal ever again with another man in my life...  It was like that "part" of me died.. I felt nothing...   But thats what everyone EXPECTED me to do...   If I was talking to a guy..or since I had guy friends….  they just assumed I had feelings for this person, or that it was weird, that I would share with a guy, but not with them…   But what they didn’t understand.. was these people gave me a diff outlook…   they gave me options, they didn’t just tell me to leave him…  and I didn’t feel like I needed to explain myself… I didn’t feel ashamed to tell them why I stayed… or why I put up with it… they just gave me the facts, and the truth and gave me the options..  and gave me a non emotional side to things… if that makes sense…   I didn’t feel pressured by them… to leave…     I just felt relief on not getting stress from them to…   My friends and family’s automatic answer for everything was...  ur a pretty woman, u wont be alone for long, it wont take u long and u will have guys all over u...   I MEAN really…. People…. Think about it… why the heck would I really really really want another male in my life, when I couldn’t get rid of the one I had… ? Why would I want to add more stress and complications to a situation that I had no control over…   I was living with a ticking bomb at my house.. and they thought I wanted a guy because I could actually share things that I felt that I couldn’t with them?    People just obviously don’t know me very well..or didnt want to deep deeper....and they really didnt know really what kind of hell I was living every single minute of every day…   They didnt understand.. that I didnt want that, I didnt feel that, and really could care less what anyone assumed or thought.  Plus with my guy friends… It wasn’t just about me and russ… u know?I could bullshit with them… I could talk about other things…   I could talk about work… which I cant talk about at home.. cause most of it confidential info..   I could just go.. and for that hour or whatever I could just be Missy… the smart ass..someone who is funny.. and nice….  or Missy the girl who actually has more to her life than just russ and their fucked up relationship…   I was a individual with them..   My girlfriends or family.. it was all about whats going on with him and us and me… it was never about anything else.. I kept having to relive the hell I was going through.. every single second..   I could never just be myself with them… they didn’t even know who I was or what I was fighting for anymore..   I felt uncomfortable around them because of this fact.. they didn’t know what I went through… how angry he really got, at the simple assed things…  how something they would say to him… would get me in trouble for later… my friends. Didn’t see the bruises… didn’t see the tears..  They didn’t see me….. they saw the situation…   they didn’t see the me … behind the situation…  In the meanwhile..... I couldnt afford to move out... so I just did my thing, and let him do his..   I kept myself busy..  I didnt give him "the gift" of having me there...  He was lucky to have me in his life in the first place... He lost that, he lost me... I wasn’t going to give him that gift of “me” anymore...  I froze him out... I got to the point to where I hated him... I wanted out..   I started seeing my kids being affected, they were getting older… and they heard and saw a lot more than I gave them credit for……I looked at my two kids... and thought about their future.. and their future relationships....and I asked myself  Do I want them to marry someone like him? Do u want them to put up with what u have? Or would u rather them see.. thats its not ok?.. and that mommy is STRONG and that its not ok to settle... for something less than what she deserves. and u know what?     having one parent who is stable and happy.. is soo much better than having two that arent..I started thinking…   What the Hell is he doing….  He has a beautiful wife, two beautiful loving girls and he doesn’t care.  He doesn’t deserve us, he doesn’t deserve to be calling himself daddy.    I started seeing the little things in life... started to smile again, to laugh… started make conversations with people.    And I didn’t hide… It felt good….I started to heal, from the inside out… I finally admitted to myself.. that I couldnt make him want to change..  I couldnt make him finally admit that there was a problem, I couldnt make him go to the doc or go on medication..  I knew that was something he needed to decide and knew that he needed to do himself... I counldnt make him stop drinking..a addict... they wont get well.. till they see if, and until they want to change...   I couldnt make him want us.. to want a marriage, or a normal family.. I couldnt make him come home...   He was a big boy..   he was a adult and it was time that he face the consequences of his decisions. I wasnt gonna take care of him anymore I wasnt gonna cover things up In Feb/March he went to the doc, and got on some depression/anger pills, and I started to see "him" change...  the guy with the attitude and the anger.  HE made the choice to go to the doc.. I think he SAW finally ...that …yes….. yet….. again he LOST control...  and I was really leaving him...that I wasnt giving in.  Dont get me wrong.. he still has issues.. with stuff...  He still has a lot to work out.    Still has a lot of work to do, still gets jealous, (not nearly, not even half as bad as he used to), he still has some responsibility issues and still makes some wrong decisions,   but I am trying to remember he is relearning to.  He knows ...   I am not in love with him, he says he wants to change that... I do love him… but I am not in love with him…  My soul is starting to heal, but its not in any way shape or form fixed... I dont know if I will ever trust him completely... I dont know if I can fall back in love with him, from everything he has put me through...he knows that one foot is out the door...  I just dont put up with his shit anymore...   I refuse.. to let him push me around.. whether that be physically, mentally or emotionally.  Do I trust him yet? NO... I dont ...   Do I think he will lose control again?   Ummm... I dont think I will ever trust that he wont.   I dont know if I will ever trust him completely...   I am still always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the bad side of him to come out...I can tell u ..  that I see a diff in him.. since he has been on the medication, and that I havent seen a bad fight or blow up, for a couple months... now... I grew up in this process… I started seeing things without blinders on. I have friends now, I know which friends I can trust …………….and I know who is willing to be there in any kind of situation… whatever time I need them..  I like thinking for myself…  I don’t let him make me feel bad, for the little things that shouldn’t matter.   I have guy friends, and really I don’t care if he gets jealous.. If he gets jealous, that’s his own insecurities showing through.  I finally started to see a girl I liked in the mirror again..   I could look at myself and be proud that I didnt give in, that I was getting a backbone, and was getting my pride and confidence back.   Most of all I started to feel worthy….of love....   My heart and my soul are starting to heal, but its not in any way shape or form fixed...   Don’t get me wrong..   I still have a lot of issues, with anxiety… social anxiety, it overcomes me sometimes (J u should see my fingernails J)   But I am working on it..   I still have issues, looking people in the eyes all the time, especially when I am nervous,   but I am working on it..   Still have issues telling myself, I am a beautiful woman,   but I am working on it. And that counts for something right?I am not saying in 1, 2 or 3 months I will be with him.. but I am trying... And He is trying..and that counts for something...  and yep.. slowly… it has took some time.. but…..  yes I am beginning to feel for him…

Replies

Tamehau
Tamehau

Hugs to you Melisa. Its a powerful thing to learn about this abuse and face it head on. My how you have grown. Good luck to you. You deserve it.