Growing into my own

I've noticed over the last several weeks that I am feeling much more like putting myself (the real me) out into the world more.  I have found myself wanting to speak in communications class...anxiously awaiting the next speech opportunity.  So many subjects that I want to speak about.  I find myself wanting to write a letter to the editor about our county's drug court program.  It is a bit like a culmination of not being me and not saying what I needed to say for so long is bubbling forth.  And it's good, but I am also realizing that it is also, in part, a reaction and that I need to pace myself, monitor a bit, really consider about the decisions I'm making at this point.  Mainly, because I do realize that this a bit reaction of being silenced for a lifetime and I want what comes forth now to be true to me and not merely reaction.
By the way, I did get a 99% on my speech.  The professor said that it was a very powerful speech and I had a great delivery.  One of the students came up and told me that she thought it was a really brave speech and she respected my hopeful message about a tough subject. 
The next speech is not personal, just informative and I am hopeful I will be able to inform about pit bulls as a breed.  Yes, still personal to me (love the little (huge) pups, even when they make me crazy), but I think I can keep it pretty informative on the history, role they once played in history in the military, as nanny dogs and such, and how public perception has changed without getting into a more pursuasive speech.
It is a bit of different feeling for me, feeling I've found my voice.  I am also still a bit afraid.  Mainly, I think of overdoing.  Some of this comes from a friend of mine who after her abusive past relationships became what I can only describe as militant.  She seems so overbearing and at times even crass to me. 
I am an emotional person.  I am also a reasonable person.  Really, I just want to find this good balance for myself. 



Hi RAniagale, Thanks for helping me understand more about your approach to the last speech and congratulations on 99%. Awesome!

I am trying to figure out the connection you are making in the second to last paragraph about \"over doing\" and the \"over bearing\". Are you comparing your self to your friend? I can not quite tell. Are you seeing things in her that you do not want to be like?

I know for myself ... once i began to connect with through my existence and then comes personal power it was entirely powerful and for that frightening at first. Then I , something like you describe above, I feared doing/being something that was not acceptable as if it was going to be too much.

Now reflecting back on the my first experiences with full self connection I can see that it was ME who was over whelmed with my own power. Then I came to find that if I accepted those moments or times when it felt so huge that I could hardly operate with out critiquing this particular energy . I found things I could do that allowed it to spread out and took the risk of practicing being with the energy with acceptance. The acceptance of voice / energy allowed me to work to balance it or be the director. Not accepting the energy meant that it was going to happen any way with out my skill of navigation applied.

Another thing is that I can see where I know people who are over bearing and I know that I have the potential of being over bearing. i can be a bear and a butterfly.

Finally creating a place where the bear gets to be a bear rather than denying that energy. Just doing this ... giving the bear some space gives me the ability to work with the energy instead of feeling worked by the energy.

What you describe is what I would like for myself. I accept that I can be a bear and a butterfly, but you are right it is a bit frightening right now. It seems a lot of energy at once that I haven\'t accepted before and I would like to channel this energy in a healthy way. And you are also right that I just see something in my friend that is not what I want for myself. I think I sense with her that it is more of a facade or some bitterness driving the energy and unless you knew her history, she just seems, I guess mostly like she has a huge chip on her shoulder. And also, I know she is not completely comfortable within this role. Some of the other dance girls in the past jokingly called her the maneater and although she played along a bit, I think it really hurt her feelings underneath it all.

Also, I am fairly emotionally reactive. When I get upset or frustrated or mad or pretty much any strong emotion, I have a tendency to cry whether I want to or not. I\'ve been trying to work on taking a step back, breathing and thinking more about my reaction and appropriate response. As an adult, it can be embarrassing and at times invalidates you if you are trying to make a valid point (say with someone like my son\'s principal) and then end up crying as you speak.

Just some more of what I am working on...

Well done you on the speech , 99% , Wow Really pleased you are stepping out into the world as the person you are meant to be . I would have liked to be able to hear your speech about pit Bulls .I am a lover of dogs got two .labrador and golden retriever.
well done again Rani xxxx

Hi Rania,
what an inspirational entry! I\'m doing the same thing... like you, I\'m getting back my voice - the one that years of abuse (my N mom) and illnesses stole from me AND the one that my N sucked out of me.
I have the opposite problem (ie I tend to think too much and dare less... I know what I want but I\'m reluctant in expressing it) but I too am trying to find the balance between heart and brain.
I want you to know that I definitely root for you!!!!