Growing frustrated
I am finding that I'm growing more and more frustrated with things in my life. And seeing as I have no one I can really talk to about this, I'm hoping writing all this out will help. At this point, I'm a bit lost with what my life is for. I ultimately feel like everyone finds a way to use me, and I eagerly, without hesitation or thought, give them what they want, before realizing that I've been taken for. I'm also finding that I have more drama in my life then a teenager, and that is starting to bother me.
My best friend, and his girlfriend lately have been driving me crazy. All they do is fight with each other, and instead of being adults, they come to me, to vent, to bitch, what have you, all in a effort to feel better. The girlfriend is close with me, and it is starting to creep me out a little. I know she means no harm by it, but I feel like I'm a replacement for her when her actual boyfriend refuses to do stuff with her, for whatever reason. He makes shit up that he has to do to avoid her sometimes, or at least that is how it seems, and I have to hear about it, constantly.
So stupid me, allows myself to be that replacement, and it gives me such mixed feelings. On one hand, I'm grateful to be allowed to go have fun, and enjoy whatever event it is that we are doing, like last week going to the beach with her or Friday going to a nightclub with her and her girlfriends. But on the other, she isn't my girlfriend, but yet I treat her as such in my behaviorism. I talk nicer to her, more pets names and such, I go out of my way to accommodate her, I push myself a bit harder then I do for others, and I don't fully understand why.
In all fairness, she is well out of my league. She isn't the type of person I could realistically see myself dating, even if the chance came along, and I know I wouldn't on moral principle because my best friend dated her, and that would be disrespectful to him if he ever broke up with her. But for whatever reason, I treat her like a queen, and I hate myself for it. And moreover, I think I hate the fact that I don't have a woman in my life that I could treat like this.
I'm so tired of it, but both of them are good friends of mine, and I do care about them a lot. I also, whether I like it or not, need them in my life. Without them, I'd most likely lose most of the connections I've spent months building, and would lose my ability to do activities and such. I am sure it is just me with the issue here, but it is how I feel, and I need to find a solution to it.
I don't know why I do this to myself, or why I'm so easily swayed into fixing shit that isn't my fault. Just last night, I wound up giving my mother money for food because I felt like I owed it to her. That money, was money I had been saving to fix my car, which is step one to my freedom and independence. But needless to say, I gave it to her, to help out, and tortured myself today going food shopping and lifting and generally being the wonderful son I am.
I'm exhausted right now, but it was worth it. What bothers me about it all though, is that later today, we had to go out and spend more money, not on food, but on silly stuff. She is redecorating the deck, and wound up spending over 300 bucks on cushions, and new chairs, and such, without really a second thought. If you didn't have money for food, how do you have this money to spend on this. It frustrates me because I'm so limited, and because it is family, so naturally I want to help out. I gave my last 240 dollars to resolve the issue of no food, only to find she can spend that plus some on what I consider frivolous stuff.
I feel so lost in it all. All the time and devotion I spend for my mother, or my best friend's girlfriend, could so be channeled into a real relationship. And yet I sit here, alone, unable to find anyone who will take a minute to actually get to know me, before judging me unworthy and vanishing. I know who I am as a person, and I am sad to say that I will most likely be taken advantage of again. It clearly seems in my nature to cater to people's needs, and do my best to make them happy.
I've been trying so hard to curb that, and be more self centered with my desires and wants and needs, but it seems that everyone else's needs come first. And I do it to myself too, that is what is the kicker in all this. I have no one but myself to blame. I so easily give in, unable to truly voice my opinion out of fear of rejection or an argument, and the time I do have for myself I'm busy recuperating from all the stuff I do for others.
Maybe it is just me, but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of letting myself be used, but I don't know how to change it. I feel like it is apart of the core programming that makes me who I am, and altering that would destroy who I am as a person. I don't want to be a dick, or a self centered prick, but I do wish that I felt my ideas, or opinions, or my wants and desired mattered more.
It all just seems a bit pointless. A cycle that I don't see a way of breaking. I don't know why I let people do this to me. I also don't know why suddenly it is a problem for me. My whole life has been this way. Hell, the main reason I had a wife, was because of that catering nature of mine. I in essence gave her all the power, by catering to her needs, and I am quite aware where that leads me. Seeing as I am separated, with no hope or desire to fix that, waiting on papers for divorce at this point, you would think I would of learned that catering to other people's needs is a bad thing. You would think that, but apparently I'm not ready to learn that lesson. I just wish I knew how to be a different person.
My best friend, and his girlfriend lately have been driving me crazy. All they do is fight with each other, and instead of being adults, they come to me, to vent, to bitch, what have you, all in a effort to feel better. The girlfriend is close with me, and it is starting to creep me out a little. I know she means no harm by it, but I feel like I'm a replacement for her when her actual boyfriend refuses to do stuff with her, for whatever reason. He makes shit up that he has to do to avoid her sometimes, or at least that is how it seems, and I have to hear about it, constantly.
So stupid me, allows myself to be that replacement, and it gives me such mixed feelings. On one hand, I'm grateful to be allowed to go have fun, and enjoy whatever event it is that we are doing, like last week going to the beach with her or Friday going to a nightclub with her and her girlfriends. But on the other, she isn't my girlfriend, but yet I treat her as such in my behaviorism. I talk nicer to her, more pets names and such, I go out of my way to accommodate her, I push myself a bit harder then I do for others, and I don't fully understand why.
In all fairness, she is well out of my league. She isn't the type of person I could realistically see myself dating, even if the chance came along, and I know I wouldn't on moral principle because my best friend dated her, and that would be disrespectful to him if he ever broke up with her. But for whatever reason, I treat her like a queen, and I hate myself for it. And moreover, I think I hate the fact that I don't have a woman in my life that I could treat like this.
I'm so tired of it, but both of them are good friends of mine, and I do care about them a lot. I also, whether I like it or not, need them in my life. Without them, I'd most likely lose most of the connections I've spent months building, and would lose my ability to do activities and such. I am sure it is just me with the issue here, but it is how I feel, and I need to find a solution to it.
I don't know why I do this to myself, or why I'm so easily swayed into fixing shit that isn't my fault. Just last night, I wound up giving my mother money for food because I felt like I owed it to her. That money, was money I had been saving to fix my car, which is step one to my freedom and independence. But needless to say, I gave it to her, to help out, and tortured myself today going food shopping and lifting and generally being the wonderful son I am.
I'm exhausted right now, but it was worth it. What bothers me about it all though, is that later today, we had to go out and spend more money, not on food, but on silly stuff. She is redecorating the deck, and wound up spending over 300 bucks on cushions, and new chairs, and such, without really a second thought. If you didn't have money for food, how do you have this money to spend on this. It frustrates me because I'm so limited, and because it is family, so naturally I want to help out. I gave my last 240 dollars to resolve the issue of no food, only to find she can spend that plus some on what I consider frivolous stuff.
I feel so lost in it all. All the time and devotion I spend for my mother, or my best friend's girlfriend, could so be channeled into a real relationship. And yet I sit here, alone, unable to find anyone who will take a minute to actually get to know me, before judging me unworthy and vanishing. I know who I am as a person, and I am sad to say that I will most likely be taken advantage of again. It clearly seems in my nature to cater to people's needs, and do my best to make them happy.
I've been trying so hard to curb that, and be more self centered with my desires and wants and needs, but it seems that everyone else's needs come first. And I do it to myself too, that is what is the kicker in all this. I have no one but myself to blame. I so easily give in, unable to truly voice my opinion out of fear of rejection or an argument, and the time I do have for myself I'm busy recuperating from all the stuff I do for others.
Maybe it is just me, but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of letting myself be used, but I don't know how to change it. I feel like it is apart of the core programming that makes me who I am, and altering that would destroy who I am as a person. I don't want to be a dick, or a self centered prick, but I do wish that I felt my ideas, or opinions, or my wants and desired mattered more.
It all just seems a bit pointless. A cycle that I don't see a way of breaking. I don't know why I let people do this to me. I also don't know why suddenly it is a problem for me. My whole life has been this way. Hell, the main reason I had a wife, was because of that catering nature of mine. I in essence gave her all the power, by catering to her needs, and I am quite aware where that leads me. Seeing as I am separated, with no hope or desire to fix that, waiting on papers for divorce at this point, you would think I would of learned that catering to other people's needs is a bad thing. You would think that, but apparently I'm not ready to learn that lesson. I just wish I knew how to be a different person.
Replies
Sorry to hear about all this. It is time to say no to Mom. You can\'t let her take your money and leave you with nothing. That isn\'t fair and it teaches her nothing. She has to learn to live on what she has. Take it easy.
I am going to be working on that. Honestly, I probably just misread the situation like I always do. I love to help, and to do what I can to make life easier for her, but I tell you, at this point, I\'m just tired of it. She has been completely miserable the last week, and all I feel is her hostility, even though it isn\'t really directed at me. It really sucks. I wanted to help, and all I feel like is that I did something wrong.