Growing

Times change, that's for sure. But more, life changes....in some uncontrolable, twisty, turny way, life changes. And still, some things that have seemingly passed still linger....those are the special things or the things that we just can't shake no matter what we do.I think of levi more every day as his anniversary approaches. Some times, I'm breathless, finding myself trying, still trying to find him, to make his leaving right or comprehensable. Or I am smiling at the memories my mind plays back, as if those memories were my rescue, my life raft keeping me afloat, sane. Or, I am crying again, so hard and desperately to change it all and to somehow punish myself for not doing what I wish I could have. Those tears are the hottest and cruelest tears I've ever endured.......He is gone, i get that. But, he is still so much of me and everything that I do.I miss him, either way, laughing or crying, I miss him as a mother should. But, life still pushes on and I learn how to miss him through it all and still live and learn to live some more.