Grief Work
Dear Fred:
It has been 5 months now since Nick died. I can tell things have changed some inside of me. I do not feel the horrid hollow feeling all of the time. Now it is just a very tired terribly sad feeling that lives inside of me no matter where I am, what I do or where I go. I'm not sure if this is progress but it is a change anyway. I hope this isn't what people meant when they said "it will get easier in time" or "you'll learn to live with it". I am trying to trust tha this change is just the beginning of the changes I will experience.
I feel it is time for me to actively being the "grief work" I keep hearing about. It really frightens me. I know how deep and desperate my feeling run. I am afraid if I do this it will get out of control. It is almost a full time job convincing myself I can survive this. If I "lean in to the grief" as some of the material I've read says to do I really do not know how far it will take me. Mostly I really do not care if I live or not. I know I should. I know I need to be doing worthwhile activities. It just all seems so very very pointless right now.
Anyway, today I bought 3 books on grief and the mourning process. Some of the books promise they give suggestions on how to move ahead. They cost enough so I hope they deliver what they promise. Tonight I pan to read a little more.
Friday a Social Worker from Aspen Home Health & Hospice is coming over. I have 60 minutes with her. It feels so static and fake. What I would really like to to meet someone who could really help me with these strong feelings who really cared. Oh well, this is all I could come up with for now even after calling a lot of different places. I'll see how it goes.
Lady Jackson also seems to be ore depressed. When Nick was in the hospital she would meet me at the door to look for him when I came home. When he died she din't look for him any more. The last 3 or 4 days she has acted depressed and lonely. She always wants to cuddle and follows me so closely I step on her at times. I wish I new how to really talk with a cat. She & I might be able to help each other with our grief.
Well, Fred, I am going to stop writing for now and log off DS. I want to cuddle Jackson for a bit and then head for bed and start reading. Please wish me luck. Good night, Fred. Thanks for listening.
Darlene 9/5/2011
It has been 5 months now since Nick died. I can tell things have changed some inside of me. I do not feel the horrid hollow feeling all of the time. Now it is just a very tired terribly sad feeling that lives inside of me no matter where I am, what I do or where I go. I'm not sure if this is progress but it is a change anyway. I hope this isn't what people meant when they said "it will get easier in time" or "you'll learn to live with it". I am trying to trust tha this change is just the beginning of the changes I will experience.
I feel it is time for me to actively being the "grief work" I keep hearing about. It really frightens me. I know how deep and desperate my feeling run. I am afraid if I do this it will get out of control. It is almost a full time job convincing myself I can survive this. If I "lean in to the grief" as some of the material I've read says to do I really do not know how far it will take me. Mostly I really do not care if I live or not. I know I should. I know I need to be doing worthwhile activities. It just all seems so very very pointless right now.
Anyway, today I bought 3 books on grief and the mourning process. Some of the books promise they give suggestions on how to move ahead. They cost enough so I hope they deliver what they promise. Tonight I pan to read a little more.
Friday a Social Worker from Aspen Home Health & Hospice is coming over. I have 60 minutes with her. It feels so static and fake. What I would really like to to meet someone who could really help me with these strong feelings who really cared. Oh well, this is all I could come up with for now even after calling a lot of different places. I'll see how it goes.
Lady Jackson also seems to be ore depressed. When Nick was in the hospital she would meet me at the door to look for him when I came home. When he died she din't look for him any more. The last 3 or 4 days she has acted depressed and lonely. She always wants to cuddle and follows me so closely I step on her at times. I wish I new how to really talk with a cat. She & I might be able to help each other with our grief.
Well, Fred, I am going to stop writing for now and log off DS. I want to cuddle Jackson for a bit and then head for bed and start reading. Please wish me luck. Good night, Fred. Thanks for listening.
Darlene 9/5/2011
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