Grief will it end ever it seems to keep going on & on

The grief will it ever end as it seems to keep going on and on and on.  It is the little things that keep it going.  I went to perfume on yesterday.  I only have 3 small bottle left.  I was thinking there is no Smokey to buy me more for Christmas.  I started crying.  It was bad timing as I was having someone over to my place and later going out for dinner with Don, my brother.  I probably should not have gone out as I never had any patience for Don, who has Asperger's Syndrome.  I came home, watched a bit of TV and went to bed at 10.  I didn't sleep right away, cried and thought about Smokey.  Why did he leave me and why could not I have gone with him as we did everything together?  I wished I could have died along with my Smokey.  He was my life and the reason I got up in the morning and to go to bed at night.  I wished it was me who died and Smokey was the one to live.  It should have been me.  I keep thinking that it should have been me and not Smokey.  Why was I the one to live and he was one that died?  It just does not seem fair.  Not to me.  Smokey could handle all the details that are involved when a person dies.  I am not fairing to well.  It is hard.  Smokey handled all the paperwork when his own mom died.  I am not having an easy time of all these things plus looking for a job.  Nothing seems to be working in my favor and everything seems to be working against me.  It seems that way to me.  I worry, am anxious, fret and stew about everything.  I have faith in God and should trust him with all my heart and soul.  When the circumstances are against me, I wonder about everything.  I can't handle anything anymore and think I am going absolutely bonkers.  I want to scream and pull my hair out but i do not.  It is unbearable pain that I am slowly struggling through.  It is a horrible thing to have to deal with that is for sure.  At the moment, I hate my life the way it is and the future looks bleak at best.  I wished I could have died along side my own beloved husband Smokey.