Grief Support Group, Session #6

So in our Grief Support group for parents who've lost an adult child, Session #6 yesterday, we watched a video called Portraits of Hope. It was about an hour long. There were about ten different families -- mothers and fathers -- talking about grief and the years that have passed since the death of their son or daughter.
The six mothers in the group all agreed it was a good thing to watch. YOu might be able to get it from a library or hospice center. We all would recommend it. :o)
There were various SECTIONS which I marked in bold. 
I wrote continuously during the film because it helps me to remember... sieve brain that I have always possessed and that's just a fact. : ) I'm ok with it; I compensate by writing EVERYTHING. So here's what I wrote during the film (quoting the parents, not my own words from here on):
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Portraits of Hope
Made by the Erika Whitmore Godvin Foundation
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The most profound grief experience in life.
Most parents expect to outlive their children.
Giving all your love, investing in the future. A hole than can never be filled. Fear of inability to carry on. Jot and shock on a deep and painful level.
It's like an elephant on your chest. I couldn't breathe.
How can I feel this much pain, and survive it? It floods me.
The HOLE was bigger than me. I was so tired. There was nothing left of me. There was nobody home. It was like a sledgehammer. 
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What are we supposed to DO now?
Almost all parents reach depths of despair where they imagine ending their own lives. 
I kept going because of the plans I had. I kept going but I did think about ending the pain. Who would I be hurting if I died?
It's a non-linear pain process.
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Thinking you'll never get better. Waves come and cycles of grief, around and around. It's chaos. A dullness and exhaustion. I used to be creative and joyful and energetic. Now anger and resentment surge.
My daughter was on my mind ALL the time.
I lost my sense of taste.
I cried. I cried all the time. I cried and cried and cried.
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You have to do what is right for you. Permission. Total and unconditional love and acceptance for yourself is key to healing. No judgment, no right or wrong. No worrying about what other people think. THink about yourself, and do what is best.
You know sleep isn't coming. And then in the morning you don't want to get up to face the day.
You have to be able to communicate with the people around you. Help people help you. It's tiring. Accept your grief though. Let it go. It's uncontrollable, and we have always tried to control. You will find a way to live with it. It goes away and it always comes back.
I would just cry in front of people finally, and not even be embarrassed, and then we'd get back to work. (A father said that, a CEO type.)
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What can we do for other children? Explaining to little children that even though we are sad and will have hard days, M&D will take care of you. Their grief is enormous too. Let them know they're not alone. 
My children protected me from the worst of their grief, and I guess I did the same for them. 
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Difficulties in marriage are amplified. Men are apt to make themselves busy, and alone in their feelings. A lonely process for them. How can you comfort each other when you're both in the pits? 
I remember just lying on my bed and crying and shouting, "BRING HER BACK!"
Now you're in so much pain, and you turn to your partner for support but...
I wondered if I even wanted to be married to him any more.
My husband turned to another woman.
Eventually we changed in different ways and got divorced.
We stayed together. We couldn't survive alone. We needed each other.
I know now that we have to let each person grieve his or her own way.
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We need the people who love us. Friends though can't take who we have become. We are their worst nightmare. We need people who will stay by us, not leave. If someone won't acknowledge my loss, I have no time for them. We will lose some old friends.
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You finally realize that life goes on.  While death can be painful and heartbreaking it is also sacred, a transition. 
A friend whose son died called and asked me: "What can I do to make this pain go away?" 
My anger finally subsided.
I was jealous of others at Christmas and other events. Between bouts of crying, I just do positive things that need to be done.
I was feeling very sorry for myself, and had to work through that too, since I hate feeling that way.
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People want to know what to say to people like me. 
Everyone is at a loss. No one feels competent to comfort. We all care but we don't know how. Just show up. It's hard work to be in the presence of grief and pain. Try to see the world through my eyes. Hear and listen. Listen. Be caring, affirm the pain. Accept my pace for the pain. Say, "I can't imagine how you feel..."
Not helpful: platitudes. Offers of help that don't happen. 
Spirit allows us to heal and move into life.
Let your family and friends know that it's not a taboo to talk about him/her. We have to TELL them it's ok because they really don't know.
Loved ones keep that person alive. Talk about him. It makes me feel good. People want to help. Hugs. Someone who is far away is still alive to me.
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Grief changed me completely.
You cannot experience this without changing. I am now a more compassionate, forgiving, understanding, less judgmental person. A more sensitive physician. It made me a better person. I am not afraid to die. I see what's important in life. I appreciate my family. I accept my emotions. I want to go for the gusto every day. 
I'll never say I have everything I want or that everything is perfect because I'll always miss my son, but I can say I have a happy life. I have more inner peace.
It changed me. I have more clarity about my agenda and getting things done. I have less fear and more confidence. 
But I'd trade it all back in a heartbeat to be the selfish pig I was before.
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Rebuilding your life.
Megan would want me to be positive. We had to move forward with purpose and meaning... to make a difference.
Finding a reason to live, to help people. I had to make a decision not to compare life before and life after. It's different. Different joys, a different life. This is rebuilding.
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I have a little angel on my shoulder...
Even when they were living it was not about their bodies... it was their spirits and our relationships with them that we loved. Who she really is... is not dead.
When I have doubts, I talk to Polly. (The father of Polly Klaas...)
What makes you think he is not here? I think he is with me always. He is laughing, and supporting us. We say all the time that Mike did that. He is taking care of us. 
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If I survived, anyone can.
Live into your grief to discover your own meaning. The resilience of human spirit is that we fashion our own meaning. Whatever it takes for you to live and take the next steps. You will become a gift to others. 
Find the strength through love. 
You will make it.
Listen to your heart. It makes you stronger.
You don't get over it, you take it with you. You go on.
Open your eyes to the mystery.
Desperation doesn't go on forever. Life has beautiful things to offer. When you realize you can enjoy them again, you know you can grieve AND live your life.
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Peace, my dearies. 
xoxoxo Sarah