greater clarity re: my life struggles

so much is clearer now as i view my tormented life.  i have had burdens to carry, hurdles to leap, mountains to scale and pits to climb out of that would be too much for most superheroes. it sounds self pitying or a bid for attention, but it  is simply the truth. if anyone knew what i have faced...if only someone knew. tom knew more than anyone but is dead. i never did drugs or alcohol, no self injury, gambling, addictions, spending too much..no behavior problems. i just suffered so horribly almost every day and worse at night even, and desperately soght help and understanding in constructive ways. when i did, i was judged and condemned, blamed for my symptoms and torment as if it was a manipulation or a malingering.  i was turned away because i had no behavior problems so no support groups or funds to assist a person like me. i was forever misunderstood and misdiagnosed. being so young when i started my life or death search for help, i believed what i was told and got worse. i blamed myself more when thaere was already a pattern of shame and self hatred. i saw more with each drs visit that the responsibility was all mine for my horrible thoughts and feelings and no one anyone elses..that was the exact opposite of what i needed to recognize. i found everywhere i turned for relief or understanding, that it was pointing to me being defective, a monster, and simply creating my own problems for some unknown reward. (in a sense these pronouncements do apply...to everyone of us regardless of what has happened, but that is not the lesson a person with chronic severe ptsd needs to learn!). so when i finally found truth, understanding, information and compassion, my life started making sense. less than 1% of population has what i have and so little knowledge about the problem until recently. so no wonder i felt like a freak, an alien who was forever an outcast..but that insight re: ptsd  wasnt until i was almost 40 and had "lost" all my life before that in terrible torment. god how i want to be able to relieve others from going thru what i did! i understand so much now and it relieves me from half the suffering!