Grandma passed away, rio is doing better.....

rio began to improve, he's been doing a little better everyday.  i reached out to six mobile vets, four never called me back.....the two that did said they don't come out this far........

but back to rio, the first vet who called me back suggested that i mix about a quarter size amount of vaseline in his food.  i was so happy that she took the time to talk with me that i started to cry.......she gave me her personal cell phone number and told me to update her as well........  the second vet doesn't come out to my part of the country either, but she also gave me some advice, some good tips on home remedy's......like canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie pumpkin, but plain canned pumpkin, i didn't even know there was any pumpkin in a can not for pie.......pumpkin is a good source of fiber, helps with a variety of things.....getting animals to take medicine for one.  getting hair balls out also.....)

rio has been eating, he seems much more like himself........not 100% but so much better.

but more sadness has come........on tuesday sam called me to say come see Grandma........he was almost at her apartment, they had administered morphine.......she passed away at 11:55.........just before lunch time.  all of her babies were there with her.........so glad of that........i had a slight delay. 

when i got to her building the entry code didn't work.  tried it again, still no help.......called sam and my cell phone said "call won't send".  it had a full charge.......no clue what happened.

so there i was in the entry way unable to get in.....unable to call.  thankfully a man in scrubs came out shortly after that and i was able to get his help.  he got me in and then a couple of minutes later sam came down to get me.  it got a little tricky........it's not about me, i get that, it's just that it was odd.  i told the man in scrubs that i was there to see Mildred Bennett.  when he started helping me, i felt this huge rush of emotion, the anxiety i felt stuck waiting for help, the anxiety i felt feeling like i was late getting to Grandma's side in time......i started to cry and tried to stop crying all at once.

the man in scrubs wore a nametag that showed he is an R.N.  ........so I thought maybe he works for Hearthside Senior Living.......wasn't sure.  but felt so blessed to meet someone calm and in charge.......when i tried to stop crying he said, "you can cry, if ever there was a time to cry this is it."  but i said no, i didn't want to walk in all upset........i would cry later.  i needed to find my composure. 

so now sam arrives in the lobby, sees me looking all weepy and says something, i can't remember his exact words, but in that instant i realized she had died.......

...my legs buckled --- luckily i hit the back wall of the elevator......sam caught me .  somehow he thought i already knew she had died.........i had no clue.  i didn't know that the R.N. i met is the one who had helped Grandma with the morphine......with her final moments of care.......

he came down when he did to take care of something.........it would not have been appropriate for him to tell me she had just passed.........and he would have known based on my giving him her name.

so in my little head i was all mixed up......it's not about me.....it's really not, i just felt like i was so close to being there before she left for heaven.........and i didn't make it in time.  it was this internal feeling of urgency to get there in time........

sam was mighty sweet........sara & derian got there later and left pretty quickly.  so quickly that other than a hello and goodbye hug there wasn't much talk.  she's there, but she's not there........i worry about her. 

grandma is gone.....hard to process....i'm so sad.  ........i'm so tired.  love and hugs and wishes for a good rest tonight for all of us.....