Gotta pull myself together
I phoned and left a message for my therapist. Things here are ok but I was feeling backed into a corner thinking in terms of and questioning ‘ what should I do?’ And ‘what can I do?’ With the day. I’ve been put in charge of taking care of the monastery and services until the Abbott gets back tomorrow.
I thought I should take a walk around the cells and just say hi to everyone. To touch base and for them to know their concern is my concern while it’s just me here at the helm.
I feel like I am discovering myself anew here in this location. To be so formally tied to the church now has me feeling little agency. Plus with no car and being left in this cavernous and echoing place it's a little magnifying of my experience. If i had paints I would paint. The Abbott actually said he would create my own studio here for me. So nice!!
I guess I am thinking about how it’s super quiet here and I have no car. No agency. It makes me think about “me needing to live my own life” and “being somewhat controlled by the ‘management’ here.”
The duality exists.
I guess my sense of agency comes in the form of knowing and being able to pull myself together. I admitted to myself I need help but I’m also grateful for and need to help myself here. I’ll get to helping my friend Andre now.
Replies
"sense of agency" is a phrase i heard used allot in the 70's in reference to "authority issues." like the phrase was also used allot in discussions of control freakitis. inside my own skin, it seems to me like those are just two of the many names for the same set of psych symptoms.
what the devil is, "a sense of agency?"
Thanks Arfie!! In this case it’s a sense of my own ability to chart and control my life. A lot of commitment and circumstances were making me feel hopeless in my lack of agency. Things are being chosen for me. Knowing that I can handle the situation I am in well by pulling myself together gave me a sense of what I can control .
thank you for that explanation, mark. the expression fell out of my life without my noticing, but it never did make sense to me. your explanation got it clicking. thank you. may your sense of agency endure. in my own life, it seems like everything has been chosen for me. my choice was in how to handle ^it^.
but now ya went and got another song stuck in my head.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iaR3WO71j4
(((((( hugs))))) :-)