Got through it.

Well, I made it through another day. Matt texted me this morning to let me know that he'd found his phone (he'd lost it yesterday). I texted him back letting him know that I was glad. I did not make any other contact with him. I'm trying not to think about how long I have to go without making any contact. I'm just trying to get through each day. Though, the next time that I can fairly make any contact with him without him having initiated it is Thursday Feb 5th. That will be two months exactly since I told him that I want to come home and fix things. Who knows what will happen on that date, but that's the next time that I can call him. I also can't bring up any subject of our reconciling until that date. This is not a rule that was set by either one of us, but I feel like it's the next time that I can bring it up without being too pushy about it. I got out of bed very late today. Almost 1pm before I actually got my lazy self up and out of bed. I cleaned up the room I'm staying in a little bit. There is still a lot to do. It's a little boys room, so that should give you an idea of how cluttered it is hehe.I'm staying with my friend Vicki out on Long Island. She and her family are being so generous in allowing me to stay here while Matt and I figure things out. I did some laundry and the dishes for her today. I'm going to try and do as much housework for them as I can since I can't afford to give them too much money. I did my daily Facebook posts, and after Vicki got out of work we all went to her oldest daughters Science Expo at school. She won first prize for the 6th grade for her science project. She's not even my kid and I was very proud of her! After we all went and got Frozen Yogurt to celebrate.This whole experience of being around children all the time has really made me re-evaluate how I feel about having them. I do still have concerns that need to be addressed, but the whole time all I was thinking about was wanting to have Children with Matt. In theory, I do want to have children with him. Though I do worry about how present he can be as a father and husband. It's probably partly do to our other issues, but he's barely been able to be present as a husband since he started his hospital rotations and it got worse when he became an intern. Now he's talking about a fellowship and becoming a pediatric oncologist. I feel like he'll never have time for his own children because he'll be so busy taking care of other people's. Also, I feel like if I bring this up to him he's just going to scoff at me and tell me that I'm being ridiculous. The thing is though, is that while I do want to have Children, I do NOT want to be the primary care giver. Meaning, I don't want to be the one who is with them more than half the time and having to shuttle them around from here there and everywhere while Matt gets to have the career of his dreams. I don't want to be the soccer parent. I don't want our kids raised by nannies and I don't want to have to give up my career aspirations in order to have them. This is all premature anyhow since right now we're not living together and we're not even talking every day. Tomorrow is my first individual counseling session. I'm a little bit nervous about it. The therapist that I've been assigned to is male. Also, I get the impression that he's very young. I've never really done well with male therapists. We'll see how this goes. After tomorrow's appointment I'll know how much longer I'll be in New York. I've got to be in MA next weekend because my Grandma is coming up to visit. I've got to call her before hand so that I can speak to her about what's been going on. I don't want to be grilled in front of the entire family about what's going on with Matt and me. Anyway, I'm hoping that I can have an appointment next week on Monday or Tuesday so that I can get back to MA early in the week. That way I won't be such a burden on my friend her family. Her poor son is sleeping on the couch while I'm in his room. If I can get an appointment on the 12 or 13th, and then the next one on the 22nd or 23rd then I can stay in MA for a little over a week. I'll know more tomorrow though. For now, I'm just glad that I was able to get through the day. I miss Matt so much, but I know that he loves me. He's just very angry and needs some time to deal with it. I have to have faith that when he finally works through the anger that he'll see the love. I also have to prove to him that I have the ability to exhibit self control. It's very hard for me to have faith and trust in something so uncertain, but if I want him to believe in me, than I have to believe in him.