got my quarterly check up with the Shrink :)
I came home a little while ago from the hospital "Psychosis Clinic"
where I get myself checked out every quarter or so. They are very appreciated
how they help manage me, I just feel like it is hard to get a picture of my experience
in a 20 minute meeting every couple months. I am grateful I have a therapist who can
help me and be aware of how I am doing daily. She allows me to leave messages on her voicemail
and that's something I really like and appreciate. It really helps me to feel like I am not alone - and talking
about things is the major way I don't feel alone. Talking also takes the form of writing as you guys know :).
When I was at the hospital waiting room, I started a journal to you guys - just telling you how much
I appreciate you. I can feel really aimless and just very unremarkable and humble.
The psychiatrist used a word that is seems like I 'despair' and in that vein, through those times, you guys
really help me feel meaningful in life. I mean my friends and family do too - but you guys keep me
fortified in the way that folks in a similair status do. You let me pour my guts here - and that helps SO much.
I came home and did the dishes in the sink and a te a bowl of cereal. On the drive home, I thought about what the
Dr. said about "despair" - I thought too that I wonder about how I validate myself - I don't know why I thought about it -
but maybe I choose negative 'points of view' sometimes and in that vein - I think it's time to be a little more thoughtful about that.
To choose positive is really important. I started to choose positive once I got home - a perspective of my own making of positivity and then I started to feel kind of highflying and to the point of mania. I am glad I caught myself.
I think humility will carry me through and caution. I know in life you must 'build a mountain out of air" in a way to create a life for yourself. And you must choose to validate yourself and your sense of self (I don't know if you guys think
about that - but I just wanted to put it out there) - I try and be responsible, I try and keep my life in check - but then
too I need to choose my own outlook and chart my own course as well. I can do that. Today's awareness of the possible
mania - makes me just conscious of kind of needing to keep a 'middle ground' in mind. I am doing good work at the market and office. I go to yoga and I am starting to swim. I take care of bills, chores and housekeeping. These are all things
I choose 'happy' about. Just keeping positive things in mind. I will talk to my therapist about this.
I hope you guys are having a good day! Have a super terrific weekend ahead!!
xoxo
Mark
Replies
Big squishy hug sweetie..... I really appreciate my friends on DS as well Mark.... It's a family to me and you are a really important member of that family ….
It's nice to be with people who have a good idea what we can truly feel at times..... I am sorry that you despair sweetie.... I'm glad that you were able to see your doc..... xo
thanks Janet!! x
I straddle the fence on whether talking and writing are interchangeable. Writing allows me more freedom of expression but talking offers connections and reality checks writing does not, even here where there are tidbits of feedback on some of what I write. At the very least, both writing and talking are powerful therapy tools but, in my own personals, they are different tools. Equal but different? I don't want to give up either one.
I wouldn't have chosen the word myself, but I can see using the word, "despair" for some of the things you self-flagellate over. However, I am in continual awe of how well you balance your despair. It's not about being perfect. It's about working ^it^ out, whatever ^it^ ails ya.
Communication is the key. Write about something talk to someone. Maybe some people can't communicate their feelings. Not sure.
Communication is key. Different but equal for certain. I am lucky to have both!
sometimes I need a distraction.
I was thinking in terms of my last journal. Of watching and being mitigating of how
I validate myself so that I wouldn't become too high flying and manic.
Ultimately as time passed I started to watch TV per my routine - the same news programs
and pretty soon I began obsessing of nearly like 'standing still' 'being behaved' -
and slowly my mind started working away at me - fracturing and struggling to keep peaceable. But I just came from writing emails now
and realized I need a distraction to keep active - to keep healthy - and though sometimes the news is a good thing - realistically there will be times when it's not enough - or what the doctor ordered. So I am sitting here and journaling. It is what it is. I wish my therapist would call so I could tell her about it - I suppose I could make better plans for the weekend.
So far it's swimming after work tomorrow. Then probably going to my parents' house on Sunday and hopefully traveling up to my brother's on Monday - Labor Day!! Hurrah!!