Gosh, It still hurts.
Gosh, it still hurts sometimes. Going through this nightmare we are cracked open into a million little pieces and have to open our hearts, minds, souls, question everything and learn as much as possible...and I have, I have worked so hard. I believe I have found many answers, I belieb=ve I feel my daughter's presence, I believe she sends loving messages and I am so very grateful for all that.
But...wow...it still hurts. I know it always will. This is such a hard journey. I have moments I feel enlightened and I try to share them as much as possible in case something I say might help another, but please don't put me on a pedestal. I lose my balance much too easily and the fall is painful.
I still have Cassi's container of makeup brushes on the vanity in her bathroom. "Her" bathroom in a house she didn't live to see, well, not in this life anyway. I was looking =through her brushes, picked up the liner brush. Ran my fingernail through the tiny brush and the gel liner was still cakes on, some came off onto my nail. How can that be??? Her makeup is still here, the liner brush she used is still full of black gel...but she's gone??? After all this time, all this "growth", that still shocks me to the core, takes my breath away, makes me cry. She really doesn't live in her earthly body anymore. The body I birthed over 23 years ago, after 11 hours of labor, the most beautiful baby girl in the world.
Just a sad day.
But...wow...it still hurts. I know it always will. This is such a hard journey. I have moments I feel enlightened and I try to share them as much as possible in case something I say might help another, but please don't put me on a pedestal. I lose my balance much too easily and the fall is painful.
I still have Cassi's container of makeup brushes on the vanity in her bathroom. "Her" bathroom in a house she didn't live to see, well, not in this life anyway. I was looking =through her brushes, picked up the liner brush. Ran my fingernail through the tiny brush and the gel liner was still cakes on, some came off onto my nail. How can that be??? Her makeup is still here, the liner brush she used is still full of black gel...but she's gone??? After all this time, all this "growth", that still shocks me to the core, takes my breath away, makes me cry. She really doesn't live in her earthly body anymore. The body I birthed over 23 years ago, after 11 hours of labor, the most beautiful baby girl in the world.
Just a sad day.
Replies
You are not alone Gina. I wish I could be there and cry with you. I have some of Lisa\'s t shirts. I feel close to her when I wear them. That hole in our lives, in our hearts will always be there. But we do our best to honour our children.
Take care,
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Having their things around is somewhat of a comfort. I am now wearing Jennifer\'s earrings and it feels good to have her close to me. Marissa will be gone 9 years in June. I am numb with the loss of my girls. Yes I am honoring them by getting up each day, working, babysitting, going out to dinner and such, but I really am dead inside. I wish for some peace and the same to you. Hugs, Kathy
I will be doing really well for a months and thinking I\'m OK now, and then just like a roller coaster ride something happens and the bottom falls out of my world. It\'s been 4 years now and I\'m in a very low place right now. I haven\'t been this low in a couple of years, having frequent melt downs. It just happens. Never thought I\'d go there again but here I am. Now to start the healing again. Again and again until forever happens.
I too have these unexpected moments, when something pulls me back to the past, and I re-live those very painful moments all over again. I guess this is the way this journey will be ....... breaking down completely, and then getting back up again. Thinking of you my sweet friend.
Gentle hugs!
Oh dear Gina, this is truly a difficult journey. There will be good days and bad days, happy and sad days. All par for the course I guess. But we persevere with faith, hope and all the strength we could muster.
Love, peace and hugs,
Diane
I still have Mikes stuff. His shirts and chief coat and paints etc. I will one day get everything together and have a quilt made. I met a local lady who did this for her kids after her husband passed away she now does this to help other heal and have something close to their heart. When I get it together this is my plan
hugs Penny
Dealing with the death of my son has almost killed me. I don\'t think the pain will ever go away. I am sorry for what you are feeling, as only another woman who has lost her child can be...
((((HUGS)))), Julia
With you in the sadness and with you in the moments that are a bit more gentle. This grief path is a messy and chaotic one full of land mines and opportunities to be cracked wide open, isn\'t it?
We share, we cry, we cheer one another along and most of all we are just try to BE. It\'s a marathon of the most epic of proportions...
Loving care to you, Gina, and always for your beautiful Cassi, deeply loved and sorely missed.
XO Joanie