Goodbye probation.

  Went for my last probation reporting today. I'm glad that's about over. The end is actually the twety eighth of Feb, but that's my last reporting. It was good ending it on a good note too. I'm sober, and in the right fram of mind as far as recovery is concerned. I feel good about that. i've relapsed enough that i know drinking will just bring out that paranoid, emotional nut. I can't handle that. Recovery is a lot better. I have food, clothes, my cats, my apartment, and self respect. That's a good deal. I've been doing my big book studying, and my step meetings, and I'm really getting a lot out of it. I'm really seeing, and understanding about being powerless. I've said that a hu8ndred times or more over the years, and thought I understood it, but I really didn't. From studying it with others that know what their doing, it's making things a lot more clear. i just thought the alcohol was powerfull because I did stupid stuff on it, that I wouldn't do otherwise, but it's more than that. it talks about it in the big book of how we have no defense against drinking. I understand that now, and it's true. Many times in the past I've sworn I wouldn't drink, especially after some horible incident. I knew that if I drank I would lose everything, but then for some reason, and out of the blue some thought would come in my head that would make taking a drink seem sensible, and I would do it. many times a judge would let me loose, and I would promise not to drink, and i meant it, but often I would just get outside the door of the courthouse and I would be already heading to the bar across the road. Or I would get out of jail on bail, with conditions not to drink, but I would be in the bar across the road. i'm far from a stupid person, but I tell ya, that kind of thinking is plain nuts. But that thought originates within me. No matter what the consequences, I would sooner or later get some kind of thought in my head that would make it alright, at least to me, to drink. That's the main problem they talk about. I'm powerless. It makes sense now to me. I had my heart shocked one time because I was drinking and overdosed on pills, but I remember, as soon as I got home I opened a beer as if nothing happened. the consequences never even fazed me. the fear of them just wasn't there. Not a thought. Only thought was, "Have a beer. It's alright. You deserve it." No wonder people thought I was crazy. I was, but it made sense to me. The big book says that our recovery is dependent on our spiritual relationship with our God, and maintaining that. That's pretty good. I can stop doing all the things I don't like doing, like stealing, lying, cheating, going to jail, getting in trouble, being an emotional basket case... and all those fun things that drinking brings me, as long as I develope, and maintain my recovery with God, and the people around me. Life is good.. i've spent over twenty years trying to figure this out. Using my thinking to try to figure out why I drink, when it's my thinking that gets me to drink in the first place. I need recovery, and others like me, to straighten my thinking when that happens. It's never worked on my own, and never will. On my own, and away from recovery, that thought will come. I really feel so good that I never gave up on recovery. I always had a sense that I would be dead if I did. Thank you, Lord.