good times (feel the sarcasm)

I feel really sad. My father has been calling me for the past few days. I just cannot stand to talk to him right now. I just can't take it. I know he doesn't mean to treat me like shit but the truth of the matter is whether or not he means to- he is horrible to me. I've been living my entire life for him and my ma. I can't anymore. Its taken its toll on my life in a big big way. Sometimes I can't get up in the morning bc I'm so fucking discouraged. I either need to change my life or find another career in which things are mindless and low pressure- meaning stakes aren't high. I love my career. My career seems to be the only thing that is actually mine.

I've got a lot of healing/ growing to do. God give me the strength.

Anyway- I emailed him today to tell him that I just had to get away from life this week and I was sorry I missed his calls and I didn't want him to worry. I didn't want it to be an angry email. Despite his flaws, I know I'm his life and if he doesn't talk to me every few days he worries. I didn't want him to worry. That's why I sent the email. He replied with "thanks. I was worried. See u sunday. Love dad.". He's coming over this sunday for easter dinner.

I feel sad not talking to him. Like I want to call him. I do want to call him- but I want someone other than him to answer. I want a sober, loving, and compassionate man to answer and I want that to be my father. I want that to be my family. It makes me so sad that it isn't. I want the love that people are supposed to get from family- but that aint my family. They are just not functional people. I feel like I either accept the abuse or live without my family. That's a shitty choice. But I gotta figure out something bc I just refuse to be abused anymore.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You know what I\'ve figured out? What you want doesn\'t exist except in sappy movies or romantic comedies. There is no perfectly \"healthy\" people out there, and if there are, it\'s a pretty small percentage. I felt the same way about my family, and I stayed away a lot. It worked out okay for me and for them. I think what you did (the email) was very considerate, and a good way to take care of yourself.

p.s. my mother drank all the time, but I think i\'m the only one who liked it when she drank - she was so much more relaxed and fun.
serenity92580
serenity92580

Haha- thanks. I think ur right. I have to find a happy medium between what it is now and what is healthy. Maybe the best way is to lovingly minimize my time with them. Thank u so much for ur input- it is always appreciated. :)