good times (feel the sarcasm)

I feel really sad. My father has been calling me for the past few days. I just cannot stand to talk to him right now. I just can't take it. I know he doesn't mean to treat me like shit but the truth of the matter is whether or not he means to- he is horrible to me. I've been living my entire life for him and my ma. I can't anymore. Its taken its toll on my life in a big big way. Sometimes I can't get up in the morning bc I'm so fucking discouraged. I either need to change my life or find another career in which things are mindless and low pressure- meaning stakes aren't high. I love my career. My career seems to be the only thing that is actually mine.

I've got a lot of healing/ growing to do. God give me the strength.

Anyway- I emailed him today to tell him that I just had to get away from life this week and I was sorry I missed his calls and I didn't want him to worry. I didn't want it to be an angry email. Despite his flaws, I know I'm his life and if he doesn't talk to me every few days he worries. I didn't want him to worry. That's why I sent the email. He replied with "thanks. I was worried. See u sunday. Love dad.". He's coming over this sunday for easter dinner.

I feel sad not talking to him. Like I want to call him. I do want to call him- but I want someone other than him to answer. I want a sober, loving, and compassionate man to answer and I want that to be my father. I want that to be my family. It makes me so sad that it isn't. I want the love that people are supposed to get from family- but that aint my family. They are just not functional people. I feel like I either accept the abuse or live without my family. That's a shitty choice. But I gotta figure out something bc I just refuse to be abused anymore.