good things
I took a parishioner to coffee today.
She lives here too and we've chatted a number of times and celebrated
the holidays with a drink at Uncle Matty's. I was with her today at coffee
and I found myself wondering about who she is. Just thinking and feeling uncomfortable.
I concluded that this had nothing to do with her. I realized I don't have to be perfectly smart about everything -
or entertaining...
And yet I couldn't gauge my own sense of value when just chatting with her. I thought as she was talking to me
how some see me "as a priest" and not Mark... I then thought too how she saw me possibly as just 'a man' - and not me.
A man in the sense of all those stereotypes and archetypes mean.
The notion just struck a chord that some think this way.
I didn't feel comfortable totally or liking myself in her company and that was an answer that resonated.
She's perfectly fine but I just don't like the way I feel when around her. It's my choice to stay or pursue the friendship or not.
I think I've grown in self belief in this way and also confident in my observations because of my time at the monastery. Since being here at the monastery, lately more so, I've become incredibly much more aware of just my passions
and what I am experience and learning and reacting to. And how we all have passions.
Things are good. Peace and good vibes on this glorious Spring Day!
Replies
Later on in the same day, I am reminded of.the need to remain mindful. It may have been liberating to not worrying how this parishioner saw me, but now my mind is speeding up and I’m making harmful decisions for myself (just drinking way too much caffeine.) So again time to regroup and not let this mood get sky high though that it’s direction.
Much of my behavior now is to feel grounded in some reality that makes sense and I am reminded of my last therapist talking about ‘just focusing on what needs to get done today.’
How about "I enjoy my time with Mark"...keeping it simple <3
Thanks Mary Louise!
Big hug sweetie
Maybe she'd just like to know the person better sweetie
I renember going to an inservice years ago with a pdoc that specialized in anxiety disorders and he said the first question he asked every patient was what is their caffeine intake
It can make a big difference...xo
Thanks Jan
I wrote this to my therapist per our daily end of day download. I sent him this journal:
I'm writing this in between commitments here.
I want to do it now because I need to rest when I come back to my room.
Today has been ok - but I am really highflying in mood - not a lot grounding me.
I have to think just very plainly 'what do I need to get done.'
All that structure and pride in it is unwound and I feel sloppy.
Here's what I wrote today. Have a good night. peace and bestk,
Mark
——
It strikes me by the words I chose in the aforementioned of what the journal
was about that words I use hint that I feel at a great loss when I can't
offer beautiful behavior or answers, I take great pride in the responsibility
and structure that I give my life, it's grounding stuff and it's also a feather in my
cap after so many years in illness and chaos .... and yet I know it can't all be beautiful
I think too - as I have said to friends and family - you want different things
at different times in your life. New kinds of beauty for each era (age) you personally
go through. Things change and different things are the focus. With that thought I tie
together my thoughts I had this evening with others that I have talked about
but not as fully. It feels like a big circle of life.