good things.
I was struggling with myself, my human animal impulses in church. I felt dark things within myself I felt pressure to be there at church at the monastery and yet knew I would stand as a person believing in my good intent. I thought about my faith and being here and I thought I really wanted to get out of dodge. Then realized that we all may struggle with our faith at times -and it made me feel in commonality.
I was having a hard time but showing my best face and not believing or buying into the darkness and feelings of being mixed up
that seemed to color the looks I had looking at other people and looks from other people as well.
I stay strong and just let it wash over me I guess is a way I can describe it - I stayed firm and flexible at the same time.
I then thought about what a guy at the market said to me a couple days ago - who I know from
the 'freedom center' where he had helped me get my insurances squared away.
He said that when I have fears about the things I have trouble with within myself - 'I look to god
who tells me to remember to see 'myself' as he sees me.'
I kind of took example from that and thought of god as being outside myself and I was in god's
view. It filled me with an incredible amount of compassion and love too. It also made me think
about how god helps me gird my human animal passions in the example he tries to teach us.
It's like he teaches us what to do -
He knows we're incapable of fulfilling every bit of it - and yet he has compassion for us as we try
to do the best we can....and just in knowing that is his purpose makes a great deal of difference.
I don't know if I am meant for this place - I have been wanting pleasure and freedom lately
but I feel enlightened as to my relationship with god - and also the relationships I have here and with everyone. I'm realizing when I am reacting a certain way impulsively that may not be so considerate- to just realize where that's coming from and indeed is one of my animal impulses to just keep a handle on -
Replies
Marko Polo,
Wrestling mentally with oneself is something a large population also does, I have found. I wonder if it’s possible to learn additional ways to simply learn the more lighthearted activity of arm wrestling with other humans. You, and all of us too, are on a lifelong journey to “find one’s own divinity.” I know we live in a critical oft gossipy and competitive world - and so much human nature is observable in all that. An animal kingdom, for sure with survival of the fittest at play. Sometimes after I feel a sharp punch from someone, i try to make myself laugh by narrating the move the way David Attenborough might do….British accent and all.
Your current environment surely must have so many things to feel grace and purpose in everyday routine. It’s ok to change paths and shift gears when an “era” has ended. You have your doctors and current brothers and sisters and employers and bosses and colleagues and family and friend …. but you still have freedom in curating your own life and making your own decisions. Wishing you strength and courage to hold tight to your inner voice…..and not so much the external ones.
I hope that made some sense.
Big hugs <3 <3 <3
Thanks Nikki and lilmissy!
Big hug sweetie
I think we all wrestle throughout different points in life with not feeling good ebough or worthy enough especially when it comes to faith and God
And yet who knows us better
He created us
I agree with Lady sweetie...You can choose what you want for your life
You can change your mind if and or when you want to
I know that you get a lot out of being there
But maybe it's a better place to spend time or vacations rather than living full time
Whatever you decide it's okay and God will love you just as much as ever
Big squishy hug..xo
thanks Jan!! xx