good night, prayers that sleep comes... zzzz

I called the suicide prevention hotline tonight.

I was really worked up and despondent after a conversation with 

a family member.

My therapist wasn't available and I really needed to talk.

And so I called. It was very much appreciated by me.

After the call I've had a lot of energy that is overwhelming me.

I think it's because I complained to my family about the conversation

and it's a vulnerable thing to speak up at times.

I usually keep things instinctively in perspective but today I did not.

Gratefully a sense of commonality came to me... I asked to myself "What does anyone do

when they experience things like this?" and the question 'saved me' by bringing me

back into the loop of man. From blind obsessing denying anyone else to feeling in commonality.

I realized a little later on that I was very 'activated' by all the commotion and that was keeping me

awake....

and also the tenuousness of knowing or not knowing what they reaction to the complaint

would be, had me obsessing.

I felt like calling in sick to work tomorrow.

But something in me said "No you can't" - usually I am really a good care giver to myself

once in a blue moon like this

and yet tonight I kind of 'killed myself' for the sake of keeping on top of work.

I also have to say what is coming to mind again is the idea (from my therapist)

that 'life can be made sense

of as a series of narcissistic injury' - but in the context of man aka other people

I can totally see how this can be the case.

So often my sights are laser focused and I can see only so far around me.

Hence, I write as I do.

I hope I can get some sleep.

Keep safe you guys.