good morning....said the girl just getting up 3:33 EST.

Hello......how are ya?

got that oil change yesterday.  stopped at a couple of stores to get air conditioned walks in.  i overshared about my dental misery at the first store.  with the shop keep....why did i do that?  she doesn't know me.....usually talk is normal chit chat......not a long overshare.  stuff happens.  forgive  yourself girl.

so then as i am walking into the next store i hear a familiar voice calling my name excitedly......i look over and it's one of my former colleagues.  she hugs me and we chatter like girls do.....and then she suggests we get out of the middle of the street.....off we go, heading towards the store.  she mentions that she's on a quick run to get shoes and tops as "our biggest conference of the year" begins monday in D.C.  she says it would be so great if i could fly into D.C. and work the information booth......everyone would be so happy to see me......which is a very sweet thing to say!

i used to do that.....work conferences, and expositions and seminars.....be an editor in chief, handle so many things.  now i putter and prattle.  but i digress, move on little doggie, don't get caught up in then.  stay with the now.  it's ok.  sort of, pretty much.  she says the head of the DOE is giving the keynote this year.  and i remember how i sang at the opening of a keynote....."God Bless America" right after 9/11......more memories flood back.  how my own daughter sang "America, the Beautiful" at a keynote address 20 years later......memories.

i had an exciting job......which is good, nice and EXHAUSTING to even think of taking on.....if i even could.  sure i could manage a little while doing a lot of things, but i am just not up to doing much of most things for long at all.  i can't sustain that lifestyle .....and i remember that i am disabled. not that it's news, but in this little world of acceptance i've tried to create to make it all alright.....it's sad to think about.  this might be a ten minute bout of pity....overall it really is ok. 

i got to prove that i was smart, able.....talented in ways that i never knew i could be.  had a lot of the scarecrow from oz inside me.......remember him singing "If i only had a brain."  i was brighter than i thought.....not a lot of people, family included ever told me i was......smart.  or pretty or paid me any compliments or even said they loved me.  wow, this is not the right road to walk upon......that was so long ago.  i've recreated a newness in my own life by telling those i love or care about that they are precious, special, smart......that they are loved, loveable.....appeciated and admired.  no one has to keep that same old refrain from the past ......a body can create a new song to share with others and it can change your own path too.

i like to think that a lot of that can be applied to me......some times. on the better days.......all over the place, afraid i'll sound egotistical.....when i know this journal is self absorbed.  what a kooky thing it is to be human......

as we walked into the store things go blank for me........i see the carts and head toward them.  needing a cart to stabilize me.  mary elise is apologizing for me.....almost herding me to keep me from the people walking directly into the store.  what did i do?  i'm thinking that i should have seen them coming and waited.......that somehow they must have had the right of way......and my mind was so keen on acquring a cart that i didn't even really notice them.....? 

mary elise apologized to them at least three times, while holding her arm out in front of me.......so did i almost cause a human bumper accident by whatever i did?  i've replayed it and can't remember.....it's a blank canvas up until the moment i am about to touch the shopping cart.  is my brain going going almost gone? is this regular brain fog or is this something worse?

i just don't know.........but mary elise and i hug and smile......and she says she is off to speed shop.....she told mark she was on her way but then decided to do a stop and grab......cause time is short before monday.  and she confides she's put on a few pounds and needs a bigger size.  i don't notice any weight gain, just how lovely she is since having her two beautiful children......she has the womanly glow and confidence that motherhood brings.......i tell her i'm headed to look at tops, she says she'll find me......so it's a funny time overall.  we both try on tops and chat as we do so.......head over to shoes and she finds a pair of pretty suede cut out flats.....and then it's time for a good bye hug.

later i think of all the things i didn't say.....like tell everyone hi,  that i love them,  to have a great show...my mind is sluggish and it makes me sort of sad.  but we can't always be at the top of our game......just be glad for the hugs and the little bit of time ruthie bird......be a sparrow of song and don't live kicking yourself for being sick or slow or sick and slow.......focus on sweet little things and be glad.

sam and sara are ok......sam asked me to go to a concert tonight......but i'm wasted.  wiped out.......and need to rest.

may God's blessings enrich, serve and protect you.....much love, chatty bird in the south.