Good morning.

There’s something that’s happening in my life now that scares the fucking shit out of me. Its something that I have to face. That I’ve had to face my entire life. Well for about 20 years to be exact- but it feels like my entire life. My friend Chrissy- I can’t deal with her. I love her very much. I consider her family and I always have and I always will. But dealing with her feels like it feels when I deal with my family- like I have to prove that my feelings are valuable. I have to prove that I have a right to feel hurt, offended, angry, scared. That I don’t have to be perfect and always react to things in the manner in which others agree. It seems like my whole life that’s what I’ve been trying to do and I can’t do it another second. I won’t. B/c if that’s life- then put the bullet in my head. Its about life or death to me. That’s how it feels. To give you an idea- as I say that- that its life or death- I hear Chrissy’s voice in my head saying I’m a martyr or overreacting or negative. But just b/c it’s her voice doesn’t mean it’s her fault that I feel that way. It just happens to be her voice at the moment. But it’s been my mom’s voice, my father’s, my brother’s, my grandmother’s, my uncle’s, my aunt’s, my other grandmother’s telling me that if I was better my father wouldn’t drink. I’ve spent my entire life being told that I was negative and that I overreact and that I’m ridiculous. I got told that in response to my every reaction that wasn’t exactly in accordance with how (place family member name here) thought I should feel. And they changed the rules all the time. All the time. Sometimes every 5 minute and I had to adapt or I was the piece of shit- I was the one that was crazy. I lived my life for others. So when I’m in public and I take things a certain way- its b/c I was brought up to take it that way. Not saying it’s right- the ways I react- but if I keep telling myself that my gut reactions to things- my instincts- are flawed and I shouldn’t be reacting that way- then the next logical conclusion is that I shouldn’t feel that way. And then I feel like a piece of shit. Like why bother taking care of myself- I’m just wrong, I just don’t deserve to take up space in this world.
We are our feelings- good, bad, indifferent. That’s who the fuck we are. If something hurts me then I’m hurt. I don’t give a shit if the rest of the world thinks its absolutely crazy and ridiculous- if it hurts me then it hurts. That’s it. Period. And I wish I embodied the strength in that statement. I wish that really WAS it- Period. I wish I had no resistance to that and that I grew up with a family that taught me how to act and nurtured me and told me I was great- but I didn’t. I wish I did. A lot more things would roll off my shoulders. Life would be a lot easier.
I don’t really know what to do. But I have done my affirmations and 5 min workout and I’m going to go start my day. I feel after I’ve released that that I’ll be able to.
I can’t change the past as much as the ability to do so for any and all of us would make the world a better place- or would it? I have to embrace the belief that everything is happening perfectly. That I’m supposed to face my belief- my horribly flawed belief that I'm not good enough- and my relationship with Chrissy is the door way. I wasn’t supposed to have lived any other life than the life I lived. That’s what I have to embrace if I ever want to feel a sense of inner peace.