good moments come and go
there's such an honesty I am tempted to write
that I fear it will destroy me. I don't know why life seems to
always edit me out from taking action...
I was visiting with my parents this morning, originally feeling
so caught up in my own solitude and machinations that I was unaware
of my need for being in good company. Once seeing them in fact and drawn into the helping out with chores
and the living in someone else's design helped me let go and let God.
It was a tonic spending my day relaxing with them..I love them a great deal and I thought about the monastery
too - and my friend the Abbess who is getting a major surgical procedure soon.
It's nerve wracking but I more so imagined just living there with them again
and how living in a group all with the same goal, and following someone else's design
or even a common design seemed to cool my tormented mood and also excite me
about the commonality. I don't know why I can't provide myself with the greatest
vector in life - it seems to lead me down a dark road - again it seems to edit me out of the picture
but maybe it's just a complexity
of the pandemic - it's something I look forward to passing so that I might be
able to build life again and experience otherhood once again. I know I'm not alone in that.
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I think at times when alone I'd like a game plan to move forward with or by - and not having a creative solution 'at the get go'
can make me kind of get a little bit frustrated and the engine inside builds up and up
- but the reminder to be self responsible, that I give myself, encourages me to apply some discipline and just calm down a bit. Maybe I will go to a botanical garden tomorrow.
A botanical garden sounds like a great idea.
As someone who has been a loner and has had a really hard time finding good friends whom I feel I can trust, it’s a journey to be comfortable in solitude. It can be anxiety-provoking, and anxiety is one of those silent things that people don’t even know is there. I feel like I spent many hours in therapy really addressing how anxiety affected my life, despite all these other labels that have been slapped on me.
It’s always good to laugh, like you wrote previously, and to find small things to find laughter in each day.
Thanks Nikki!
I planted a small garden to give myself something to do quietly and let my mind wander in peace, calm, and tranquility.
What happened when those pesky thoughts came along is that it became easier to find the inner quiet to move them into the direction of healing.
You're doing terrific with writing it out! Excellent to have laughter-it's the best medicine!
Thanks Mid!
I woke up this and struggling with this idea a little bit. I can't seem to think of what to do - or how to kick my butt in gear
to do much. I have been thinking about how I can have really high standards for myself - my therapist asked me "WHY?" about this as well. I always worked away at art growing up - and maybe I feel this high standard is my fight to have some integrity about my life - but maybe I need to manage this too - with some compassion for myself - and like i do for others.
maybe I'll dip my toe in the water and just take it a little bit at a time. So what I choose to do may not be all that gratifying, or demanding - but maybe that's kind of what I need to do - I'll go to the park later...
I showered, dressed and went to Starbucks. When it warms up, I'll go to the horse park.
it's curious but once i decided to go to the park I saw clearly that I was sad/crestfallen that this wasn't
the greatest way to spend my vacation days off from work. But that information is useful -
I will go for the walk - as it's better to walk rather than doing nothing with my time off!
Our environments and peers have a lot to do with the pressure we put in ourselves, too. I’ve had to learn how to treat all that as noise I have to quiet in my mind so that I can focus and be productive in each day.
It’s sucks having vacation but not being able to do anything! That’s how I felt a few weeks ago. Try and remember this is all a very UNIVERSAL thing for many many people and try to find solace in that as best you can. Hope you’ve had a good walk.
Thanks Nikki!
What I did was set up a stay-cation at home. Found some movies, cheap snacks, and had a movie date with myself. I made a fort at the local park one day (a small one, using the sticks, leaves, and rocks). Took a blanket and laid down in the grass and watched the clouds. Simple things that we never make time for.
thanks Mid. I hear you. I went to the Trader Joe's and bought some charcuterie. Just ate it in front of the tv.
lol ... I think, I know, when it warms up I'll go to the horse park and also to the bank. I may have low aims but I'll be
self sufficient as best I can. Sending good vibes.
It's not low aims. It's taking care of yourself, and finding the things that make you feel like "you"! You're doing a wonderful job!
thanks Mid. That's very special... hugs and a big kiss on the cheek! :)