Good Interview

Sisters, you were absolutely right...I went to my interview and it seemed to go very well. My interview was at 10am this morning and honestly I was expecting a call this afternoon, but I haven't heard anything. I went from being very unsure to wanting the job very badly. The pay sucks, I will be at the very bottom of the totem pole, but I will be part of a team...a team working together to help people suffering from mental illness (if I get the job, that is). My interviewer asked about my employment history, of course. Most people don't walk away from a job after 14 years for nothing...so I told her my story...I opened my heart and laid it all on the line...including the fact that I will work for less than half of what I previously earned JUST FOR THE CHANCE TO HELP SOMEBODY...I have put it in God's hands. He knows much more than I do if this is the right path for me and if it happens I will be grateful and if it doesn't I will continue to wait and search for what I am meant to do.
Sooo...today is August 19th. 23 years ago I was miserable, hot, swollen...past my due date and wondering if I was ever going to go into labor. I remember that night...I thought about washing my hair, just in case, then decided to wait for the morning...so of course just after midnight of the 20th, a ripping pain woke me up...I got up and walked around and soon had another contraction...soon we were on our way to the hospital. Shouldda washed my hair, lol...I labored a few hours, then was hooked up to a pitocin drip to speed up the process, and the ob-gyn broke my water with a tool...looked like a knitting needle...the combination of the pitocin along with my water being broken certainly increased my pains...I was soon asking for an epidural. It is disturbing to watch the process so they asked my husband to step out and I was grateful because I had to drape myself over a nurse while the doctor tried over, and over, and over again to get the catheter inserted into my spine...apparently I have a bony spine, lol. The pain was pretty bearable from then on until it was time to push...ARGHHH...so THIS is what everyone talks about!!! I have a narrow pelvis...it took an hour of pushing to get her out and I was sooo exhausted...when she was finally born the relief was immense. I just enjoyed the few moments of relief, then my labor pains started again and I was told I had to deliver my placenta!!! What???!!! It was kind of funny...the crowd who had been gathered around me, including my husband, had disappeared...in a haze I looked to my right, to the incubator...yep, that's where they were. As I was stitched up my husband brought her over, cleaned up and swaddled...he asked if I wanted to hold her...*guilt* I was so exhausted I said no. Soon everyone disappeared and I was given an hour to "rest" then taken to my room where my family was waiting. I was coming around at this point and wanted to know where my baby was...I had rejected her when my husband offered her to me. Was I one of those mothers that wouldn't bond??? I was so scared...finally they brought her in and put her in my arms and gave me a tiny bottle...they wanted me to be the first to feed her even though I didn't breast feed...*more guilt*. I held her, gave her her bottle which she seemed to gulp with vacuum like suction...then she went to sleep in my arms.
Everyone wanted a turn to hold her, I didn't want to give her up to anyone other than her Daddy...these people were trusted family members...yet I had to fight the urge to growl at them like a lioness when they got too close. It was primal, animalistic...it was what every mother feels, I believe...at least I hope. I knew I would kill for her, I would die for her, if felt like my heart had been ripped out and had arms and legs attached...she owned my heart, she was my heart.
You know, I never got over that feeling...the gratitude...this most precious gift that I didn't deserve, no one could deserve, yet God had entrusted her to me anyway...and had that been the only day I was given with her, just that one day...it would have been worth all the grief I have experienced at losing her...it would have been worth a lifetime of grief...for just that one day, that one precious day with my perfect baby.
Sisters, please keep me in your thought tomorrow...my plans are to release 23 balloons at 10:47am...her time of birth.
Thank you all for being here for me.