good decisions and permission

I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday.

That at times I get lost in my room and that

at times when I just get comfortable that's all I can 

see. The warmth and coziness of my room - and the radio

going. The soft light of the lamp and my cat Blue close by.

I spike in fear at these times because I think there's something else I should be thinking

about. My place in the world?? Would that help??

Today while driving - I thought about that part of the fear is 'in making good

decisions when I have free time' - heck, when I have time on the job too for that matter.

But I know there's something within me that does not give the OK to enjoy 

myself so much of the time when I have the impulse to do so. It's a weird thing - and again I think it's about wanting to make

'good decisions' - smart decisions -' profitable for our souls and bodies' as the prayer book says. 

In taking note of this I can kind of see to give myself permission with a weighing the pros and cons

- because it gives me a kind of framework to

make a good judgement - the consciousseness for discerning and knowing what it is that is holding me back what' s the expense of the venture actually for. Like

the man in the business office in my brain is saying 'Not a good decision1 or "a good decision" or tolerable when the time comes.

The mind can get muddy with things - and then my whole attitude can become about pleasure.

I'm not sure what I am trying to say - the framework of my mind sometimes says no to any movement in any direction, like no permission to have a private life, and yet then my headset can get about BLIND INDULGENCE. All or nothing eh? Extremes!! Who me??

When thinking about stuff rationally  - when my mind is stable - it can seem kind of small potatoes what I am going for in terms of indulgence but I think I am understanding my place more and more in the world - and it's working out peaceably within me.