Good days and bad days

I am experiencing good days and bad days.  Monday to Sunday were the worst for me and I could hardly sleep.  Last night, which was Monday, I was tired but had a very hard time falling asleep.  I normally sleep for 7-8 hours.  I woke up at 9:00 a.m. and was shocked.  I had woken up a couple of times during the night.  The mourning and grieving sure affects our sleeping patterns.  Sometimes we hardly sleep.  Sometimes we sleep too much.  It affects us all differently that is for sure.  At first I could hardly sleep or eat.  Then I got to sleeping 8 hours and eating again but not the same.  I can't bare to cook so am surviving on TV dinners.  It sucks as they are not that good.  I try to get a variety but it is like eating bland food.  I am trying to psyche myself up into cooking for myself which is different than compared to cooking for two people.  All these things we have to learn or change when we lose our spouse or family members who were living with us.  It just seems like too much at once, which can be over whelming at times.  I am looking for work which is another stress on top of the loss of my husband Smokey.  We were each others best friends, lovers, soul mates and partners.  He has left a big hole in my heart.  If I learn to love again, Smokey has left some pretty big shoes to fill that is for sure.  He was such a gentleman and opened the door for me.  Smokey always knew exactly what to buy me for various occasions and was always right on the mark.  Smokey knew me better than I knew myself.  Like I said, there are pretty big shoes to fill.  I will never find another like him.  My brother says to look for someone different.  This is just talk.  Smokey knew that I liked to plan or talk about the future things that might or might not happen.  It annoyed him as he was not that way.  Smokey liked the here and now.   I miss him muchly.