Good Days and Bad

I haven't been on the forum much this last two weeks, been really busy with work and my daughters activities.  Feeling tired, more mental exhaustion than physical though.  I ended up with migraine yesterday, not suprised.  The pain was moderate, thanks to my herbs, and even though I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, I was able to "function" and get my errands done.  I also had to meet with my 1st exhusbands mother, grandmother of my daughter, as she had a christmas gift for her.  I do not have a good relationship with ex or family so it is a high stress situation anyway.  I had her meet us at a restaurant.  It was ok, we actually visited for a bit and it was not too bad.  However, she asked about my stepkids and I finally told her that I was no longer with my 2nd husband.  We split about a year ago and tried to work things out but the divorce was final right before christmas.  I figured I shouldn't lead on that I was still married, etc.  But I knew that once she knew, my 1st ex would and he'd be calling... which I was right at 1:00am.  I get worried that he will try to get back into my daughter's life after almost 3 years of no contact, now that she doesn't have another "dad" in her life.  His text and VM was how he was so concerned how I was and that he has been off drugs and doing great for a year now and he was sorry.  BLah, Blah, Blah.  I guess I better get my lawyer on speed dial.  I just wish he would go away forever.  My daughter wants nothing to do with him.  What really sucks is getting his calls and not having anyone to talk to about this, no one to lean on.  Oh well, I really have never leaned on anyone before.  It would just be nice to see how it feels.   ED's still here though, well I can always count on him, whoopee not who I want either.  C/s behavior only increases.  I can't help that I enjoy it.  It relaxes me and the food still tastes great.  I did eat quite a bit of ice cream Friday night and I was surprised that the scale didn't budge Sat.  I ate my "normal" on Sat and then down 1 more lb again today.  Sometimes I think that ice cream boosts my metabolism.  As I seem to eat a lot of it and end up losing weight.  Anyway, I can't help but feel a little good about the weight loss, but of course bad too becasue I can't keep losing weight.  I am down to 95.6 lbs, the lowest yet.  I still eat my average 1200 cal day but I have been burning about 1400 in exercise each day.  Friday night I actually laid on the couch and couldn't get comfortable because everytime I crossed my leg over the other it was painful becasue the bones in my knees and ankles kept poking into my other leg, gross I know.  Where there isn't muscle, it's bone.  Last body fat test put me at 8.14%.  (Everyone at the gym thinks I should enter a bodybuilding competition- but what do I credit my sucess: c/s?).   I know that I am kind of rambling, just a lot of thoughts in my head.  Part of me is so happy about how I look, and the other isn't.  I wish I could stick to one side and get over this already.  I know I need to see someone but I just feel stupid about this all.  I feel like I can control it and I just chose not too.  I try to tell myself that I can't control it, that is ok, and that I just need to pick of the phone and call a therapist.  But then I say, "stop.  Your are awesome and you have never needed anyone before.  You can do whatever you need to as you are in control.  You know what you need to do so just do it.  Then I go inot the why do I need to stop.... and it then I feel bad.  I even feel weak just writing this stuff down.  I feel embarassed and ashamed and this is NOT me.  I am too tough and independent for this.  I just need to get over myself and not be a baby.  Blah, Blah, Blah sorry, can't write anymore right now, I have to be STRONG....