Good day back
I had to go back to work today after the Christmas break. (I'm a teacher.) And I usually dread Sunday nights anyway. And I haven't felt pain free or thought about anything else for even one minute since he dropped the bomb on me about his girlfriend and leaving me. So I was dreading the coming morning, the end of vacation, after yet another sleepless night.
And you know what? This was the first decent day I have had since it happened. I'm not perfect, but I felt fog free. That sense of being completely disoriented wasn't there.
He had to go and ruin it a little bit by sending a snotty text and email. (I have not been responding to his tests or emails unless I have to.)
But even so, I don't feel like a dishrag.
I don't feel like a live person yet either.
The reason I mention this is because I was talking to my older brother (he is going through the same thing, but this is his second divorce and he's further along in the process) and I mentioned that I feel dead inside. Completely dead. John said that he doesn't. He feels sort of ready to move on. (I think that means date.) Like I said, he's further along, and they had no children together.
I do find it interesting that stbx's infidelity caused an immediate death of my womanhood. I don't know quite how to explain it, but it's like being a completely sexless person. Like a robot? I am still taking care of myself and people have commented that I look wonderful. (Maybe to be nice?) But I don't feel any part of my sexuality. It's just dead and gone right now.
I hope it returns. Feeling rather like a zombie is uncomfortable.
But today, at least at work, at least for now, at this moment, I feel okay. And feeling okay is the best I have felt in forever.
And you know what? This was the first decent day I have had since it happened. I'm not perfect, but I felt fog free. That sense of being completely disoriented wasn't there.
He had to go and ruin it a little bit by sending a snotty text and email. (I have not been responding to his tests or emails unless I have to.)
But even so, I don't feel like a dishrag.
I don't feel like a live person yet either.
The reason I mention this is because I was talking to my older brother (he is going through the same thing, but this is his second divorce and he's further along in the process) and I mentioned that I feel dead inside. Completely dead. John said that he doesn't. He feels sort of ready to move on. (I think that means date.) Like I said, he's further along, and they had no children together.
I do find it interesting that stbx's infidelity caused an immediate death of my womanhood. I don't know quite how to explain it, but it's like being a completely sexless person. Like a robot? I am still taking care of myself and people have commented that I look wonderful. (Maybe to be nice?) But I don't feel any part of my sexuality. It's just dead and gone right now.
I hope it returns. Feeling rather like a zombie is uncomfortable.
But today, at least at work, at least for now, at this moment, I feel okay. And feeling okay is the best I have felt in forever.
Replies
Yaaaah! I kindof thought once u got back in the classroom things might pick up :)
Glad to hear it and I wouldn\'t be too concerned about sex/dating anyways plenty of time for that just work on you and everything else will fall into place.
Good for you - you have plenty of time to feel sexy again - now is NOT the time LOL - you will be OK. You\'ll see.
I\'m glad you had a good day! It helps so much, and feels rejuvenating after feeling like a human punching bag with our emotions. I know that zombie feeling. I\'m like that, too, although not as much now as 3 or 4 months ago.
I can also relate to a loss in \"womanhood\". I wonder if it\'s part of us trying to protect ourselves? Besides my self esteem being knocked to the ground and kicked around, I find myself thinking I will most likely never take the chance of being with another man. I think I might be an old spinster the rest of my days, and if that means having peace of mind then that\'s okay. Part of my zombie feeling is me putting up a shield to protect myself emotionally. It feels like emotions are numb and lifeless right now.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other... one day at a time, one hour at a time. We\'re only at the beginning of this insane roller coaster ride, and there will undoubtedly be good days and bad. I\'m just glad today was a good day for you. Hoping you have MANY more good days ahead! :)
When this happened to me, the kids at school were my \"happy place\". I\'m glad you had a decent day :)
You have understandably been in a state of shock. I can still remember those awful first few months...and I distinctly remember feeling \"sexless\" - didn\'t really have any thoughts of it or my sexuality. Too numb, I guess. But I\'m glad that you woke up today and had a good day! Yaaay for good days. I hate to tell you but this whole divorce thing is a roller coaster ride, so rejoice in the good days. They will sustain you through the crappy ones. If you have a counselor or therapist, see them regularly. If you don\'t I strongly advice that you find one. They will definitely help you keep your head on straight.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Everyone, thanks for celebrating with me. I know tomorrow may be back to the fog and feeling like dog do on a shoe, but today was a good day. And I\'m grateful, for it because it gives me hope.
I do have a therapist. And the deacon at my church is always there to talk to and he is so soothing.
I don\'t want anyone worried I\'ll crash. I know I\'ll crash.
But I am savoring my feeling of not feeling in a fog and not feeling pain. Tomorrow may be a different story.
That roller coaster ride will come to an end. Be gentle with yourself, my friend. One day you will wake up and notice that you have been smiling more, laughing and giggling. Hugs.
Dear Broken,
I took a 3-month LOA from my teaching job a year ago when I found out that my husband wanted out after 40 yrs. together. When I went back to school I felt like a zombie but didn\'t want the kids to suffer so I forged ahead and really tried to be normal and happy with them. It was definitely my salvation and eventually I did not feel so awful. In the early days, I fantasized that he would appear in the staircase of the school and beg my forgiveness. Even though I really knew that wouldn\'t happen I couldn\'t help thinking that. Sometimes I still do - just like a love story on TV :( But submerge yourself with your students - I feel so much better going back to school that I probably won\'t ever retire :)
Today my 1 yr. old granddaughter was playing and pulling my hair while I was hugging her and I realized that this was the only real physical contact I had for awhile and it felt good. I hug my children and grandchildren all the time but that was especially wonderful. I really miss someone giving me that kind of affection. But maybe someday I will have that again. Keep your chin up - we all understand how you feel. It will get better. Enjoy the small victories!
GREAT hugs,
Donna
I\'m glad you had this good day. Remember it to get you thru the bad days and I hope you can think of the school as your safe happy place.
I am also a teacher and found that my days at school with my students were life-savers for me. Just being able to get my mind off the separation, divorce, and crushing sadness, anger, and stress was wonderful. You will have roller coaster days and it is good that you recognize that. Just remember that you will have this day to savor when the roller coaster grabs you again. Kudos for minimizing contact with the stbx--no you are taking control of this situation!
Try not to feel like your womanhood is lost. I felt the same way (my ex was a cheater also). For a long time, I didn\'t even notice another man for a long time, but I remember the first time I did--a good looking guy in my singles group. I remember that familiar \"zing\" feeling and knew that I would be okay. I never dated this guy, but it was nice to have someone to notice and someone who noticed me. Your sexuality isn\'t dead; it\'s just kind of hibernating right now.
Sending hugs!