Good, but tired...
I'm still feeling at an impasse a bit. Life is moving on. I had a big Arabic test today (yes, only 2 days after the speech!!) and did okay, it was also not my best. I think I am on Arabic overdrive. The last two nights I had bad dreams about translating Arabic! The good news is - no homework tonight - all major tests over until finals!!
So, my date of the last couple of weeks, I haven't heard from in the last couple of days - probably just because I haven't been around. Another guy asked me out for Friday and my out-of-town traveling guy is in town and text this morning. I am definitely going out tonight since I have no homework and that's rare, but not sure about the rest.
I am enjoying myself and it has all been casual, easy and enjoyable, but I don't know how people do it??!! I hear about people who do even more than I do, as far as school, work, kids and it's amazing. I've finally found some me time and now I just feel I need down time :)
I think I am struggling a little bit with just that last bit of letting go, like the final chapter of a bittersweet story where you want to hold on to fantasy of the happy ending, even when you know it's best the way it ended...
I want to try to convince myself that there was something, anything I could say good about it. I know in a recent post Pageo mentioned that there was special, it was just my special and not his. I guess it was that way then for me, but looking back, none of it is special at all, not even my special. I think maybe my brain has cleared away the majority of the brain washing and what was once such special sex just seems not so special anymore, what seemed like great intellectual conversations just seem not so great anymore...etc..etc...etc. I think even the good times that were special for me are just so overshadowed by seeing clearly how manipulated even those times were they've just lost the specialness...
I think I've starting finding the real deal, out on my own in the world, true people that really inspire me and the difference is like night and day and within myself this person who can stumble through an Arabic speech just because the importance of the message is more important than the skill of the speaking...
(I have this picture in my mind of when you read a book or watch a movie and you are feeling so good about the happily ever after ending and it ends up not happening that way and you are kinda disappointed about it...even when you know it was good and the right thing, you still have that disappointment)
So, maybe soon, I will shed this last little bit of disappointment.
So, my date of the last couple of weeks, I haven't heard from in the last couple of days - probably just because I haven't been around. Another guy asked me out for Friday and my out-of-town traveling guy is in town and text this morning. I am definitely going out tonight since I have no homework and that's rare, but not sure about the rest.
I am enjoying myself and it has all been casual, easy and enjoyable, but I don't know how people do it??!! I hear about people who do even more than I do, as far as school, work, kids and it's amazing. I've finally found some me time and now I just feel I need down time :)
I think I am struggling a little bit with just that last bit of letting go, like the final chapter of a bittersweet story where you want to hold on to fantasy of the happy ending, even when you know it's best the way it ended...
I want to try to convince myself that there was something, anything I could say good about it. I know in a recent post Pageo mentioned that there was special, it was just my special and not his. I guess it was that way then for me, but looking back, none of it is special at all, not even my special. I think maybe my brain has cleared away the majority of the brain washing and what was once such special sex just seems not so special anymore, what seemed like great intellectual conversations just seem not so great anymore...etc..etc...etc. I think even the good times that were special for me are just so overshadowed by seeing clearly how manipulated even those times were they've just lost the specialness...
I think I've starting finding the real deal, out on my own in the world, true people that really inspire me and the difference is like night and day and within myself this person who can stumble through an Arabic speech just because the importance of the message is more important than the skill of the speaking...
(I have this picture in my mind of when you read a book or watch a movie and you are feeling so good about the happily ever after ending and it ends up not happening that way and you are kinda disappointed about it...even when you know it was good and the right thing, you still have that disappointment)
So, maybe soon, I will shed this last little bit of disappointment.
Replies
hmmm on happily ever after.
Raniagale ... the way perceive your state is that you have yet to be joined with yourself. Now I know it is easy to say.. no way... look at the involvement I have with myself.
but when ever we think that another person is going to be the happily ever after we are off track. This is very new stuff I am talking here. Not new like it never has existed just that it has not been the going theme of being human in a big way.
I say you have to reach happily ever after with yourself. Seeking it through another is asking for something that you can not control. It is not with in yours or my power to have this happily ever after person the way we are looking to have it. BUT you can have it with yourself. The other is a fantasy.
Sure you can be in a healthy relationship but only once you become what you are seeking through another.
Fact is you have with in all that you need for this. I made this connection in Therapy. It is a huge connection and change in values/beliefs(self) and the way I experience myself and life.
One of the stages I went through and still am kinda there is the stage of just me in that I didn\'t consider some one else bringing me happiness. I was able to complete the need. That is how it is right now. Very empowering.
I was not like this when I was with the narc. I had a design on what I wanted with him. I didn\'t get that. obviously.
So my point here is that you can certainly be disappointed with the N relationship. BUT you do not have to be disappointed in yourself and your efforts. It takes a while to get there but it gradually comes... self love and being able to reflect on yourself and see where you got trapped by your own agenda ... that of the happily ever after which no one can possibly control with another person... only with yourself. NOW this can be a disappointment but better to get real then live out an belief system that manifest with out it manifesting in you first.
Can you bring to your relationship with yourself what you see happening with another person?
I think I am just now getting to this place. As you have mentioned, it is like finally growing up and I think some of the disappointment I\'m feeling is like a child who just realizes there is no tooth fairy or santa - and well, there is no cinderella, either! :) Just like the child who realizes life is still good knowing the truth, I\'m realizing this, too. I have had so many fulfilling moments over the past few months, getting my daughter ready to drive, sharing that weird homework moment with my son, and I even wrote my professor and thanked her for encouraging to give my speech against the odds that day because it really meant something to me. And afterward, I realized how proud I actually am of who I am and what I am accomplishing and how I am growing. I am starting to bring what I see to my relationship with myself, but as you mentioned, it is a bit of a process to move away from the fantasy I lived with for so many years.
I do want to thank you again, your insights have been extremely helpful to me in clarifying where I am, what I\'m experiencing and where I\'m heading...
OK cool ... you are on to this. Some times I over write just to get the whole picture. It does sound like you are rearranging how you experience yourself with out the fairy Tail head space. That is just great. I do remember letting go of the dream and then finding out I could do it better for myself and have done so. It is amazing to me what I gave to others when it was with in all along. so to say that fairy tale in a way is true but it comes through self with self. Not the best way of putting it but Can not think of another way. There is an ultimate union though with self realization.