Good, but tired...
I'm still feeling at an impasse a bit. Life is moving on. I had a big Arabic test today (yes, only 2 days after the speech!!) and did okay, it was also not my best. I think I am on Arabic overdrive. The last two nights I had bad dreams about translating Arabic! The good news is - no homework tonight - all major tests over until finals!!
So, my date of the last couple of weeks, I haven't heard from in the last couple of days - probably just because I haven't been around. Another guy asked me out for Friday and my out-of-town traveling guy is in town and text this morning. I am definitely going out tonight since I have no homework and that's rare, but not sure about the rest.
I am enjoying myself and it has all been casual, easy and enjoyable, but I don't know how people do it??!! I hear about people who do even more than I do, as far as school, work, kids and it's amazing. I've finally found some me time and now I just feel I need down time :)
I think I am struggling a little bit with just that last bit of letting go, like the final chapter of a bittersweet story where you want to hold on to fantasy of the happy ending, even when you know it's best the way it ended...
I want to try to convince myself that there was something, anything I could say good about it. I know in a recent post Pageo mentioned that there was special, it was just my special and not his. I guess it was that way then for me, but looking back, none of it is special at all, not even my special. I think maybe my brain has cleared away the majority of the brain washing and what was once such special sex just seems not so special anymore, what seemed like great intellectual conversations just seem not so great anymore...etc..etc...etc. I think even the good times that were special for me are just so overshadowed by seeing clearly how manipulated even those times were they've just lost the specialness...
I think I've starting finding the real deal, out on my own in the world, true people that really inspire me and the difference is like night and day and within myself this person who can stumble through an Arabic speech just because the importance of the message is more important than the skill of the speaking...
(I have this picture in my mind of when you read a book or watch a movie and you are feeling so good about the happily ever after ending and it ends up not happening that way and you are kinda disappointed about it...even when you know it was good and the right thing, you still have that disappointment)
So, maybe soon, I will shed this last little bit of disappointment.
So, my date of the last couple of weeks, I haven't heard from in the last couple of days - probably just because I haven't been around. Another guy asked me out for Friday and my out-of-town traveling guy is in town and text this morning. I am definitely going out tonight since I have no homework and that's rare, but not sure about the rest.
I am enjoying myself and it has all been casual, easy and enjoyable, but I don't know how people do it??!! I hear about people who do even more than I do, as far as school, work, kids and it's amazing. I've finally found some me time and now I just feel I need down time :)
I think I am struggling a little bit with just that last bit of letting go, like the final chapter of a bittersweet story where you want to hold on to fantasy of the happy ending, even when you know it's best the way it ended...
I want to try to convince myself that there was something, anything I could say good about it. I know in a recent post Pageo mentioned that there was special, it was just my special and not his. I guess it was that way then for me, but looking back, none of it is special at all, not even my special. I think maybe my brain has cleared away the majority of the brain washing and what was once such special sex just seems not so special anymore, what seemed like great intellectual conversations just seem not so great anymore...etc..etc...etc. I think even the good times that were special for me are just so overshadowed by seeing clearly how manipulated even those times were they've just lost the specialness...
I think I've starting finding the real deal, out on my own in the world, true people that really inspire me and the difference is like night and day and within myself this person who can stumble through an Arabic speech just because the importance of the message is more important than the skill of the speaking...
(I have this picture in my mind of when you read a book or watch a movie and you are feeling so good about the happily ever after ending and it ends up not happening that way and you are kinda disappointed about it...even when you know it was good and the right thing, you still have that disappointment)
So, maybe soon, I will shed this last little bit of disappointment.
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