Gonna be a long night..

Ya know.. I've tried to write something about 5-6 times now...  It doesn't seem to be going well for me.. 
I want to write about everything going on in my head right now.. I want to talk about it.. Let it out.. Figure some stuff out.. But  I can't find the words.. It's all just so wrong... Loving someone who will never love me back. Finally becoming interested in someone enough that I might've given it a shot, but, that's not gonna happen... And the people trying so hard to get me to let them in because they DO have feelings for me, well, I can't seem to get myself to open up.. Suicidal thoughts.. The urge to self-harm, so strong that it is making me very anxious.. God, my anxiety has been soooo bad.. Not to the point of hyperventilating.. But Getting shaky, dizzy, very hard to breathe 24/7, feel so terrible that I can barely get myself to leave my bed.. and when I do i pretty much just curl up on the couch with a blanket.. Can't focus on hardly anything.. I just want that little bit of relief I can only get from my blade... Because when I cut.. I don't care that I am alone... I can breathe again, even if only for a few moments.. I need something to take this feeling away for a little bit.... Alcohol, slef-harming, I don't even care.. I just want this to stop...