Going Well
Things going better with dad. Social services called back and gave me some options and ideas on how to handle him. I'm already doing it. I'm limiting time with him and conversation. For example, I went over to get him food the other day. I arrived around 4 in the afternoon, went immediately to the store, came back and unpacked the groceries. Sat down and talked for amount fifteen minuets, then headed home. Whole visit, including shopping was about two hours.
I don't call him everyday either. More like every other day and I'm keeping my conversation short and to the point. It's how are you. Do you need anything? Five maybe ten minutes of conversation, then goodbye. And at the first sign of anger from him, I say I've got to take the dog out and I'll talk to him some other time. I'm setting barriers here.
Social services basically said to let him fly and when he can't, there's the proof and they can step in. That means I can back off more, yet watch from a distance. Sort of like sending your child off to school by himself, but following him in a way that the child doesn't know you're there.
I think the problem I was having with this whole situation was that I'd never been responsible for someone before. I never had children. Never babysat. No younger siblings. Just needed to learn to take care of me and I was good to go. Suddenly, I found myself with an 85 year old child and didn't know how to handle it. I was in deep because I had no caregiver skills to fall back on. I don't have that maternal instinct that would carry me through and I was dealing with his major psychiatric problems with only a few psychology classes in nursing school to get me through. It wasn't enough. I needed a professional to tell me what to do. Give me tips, basically. Thankfully, Social Services were able to do that. I'm relived and very thankful. I know this does not solve the whole problem, but it does give me breathing room.
I don't call him everyday either. More like every other day and I'm keeping my conversation short and to the point. It's how are you. Do you need anything? Five maybe ten minutes of conversation, then goodbye. And at the first sign of anger from him, I say I've got to take the dog out and I'll talk to him some other time. I'm setting barriers here.
Social services basically said to let him fly and when he can't, there's the proof and they can step in. That means I can back off more, yet watch from a distance. Sort of like sending your child off to school by himself, but following him in a way that the child doesn't know you're there.
I think the problem I was having with this whole situation was that I'd never been responsible for someone before. I never had children. Never babysat. No younger siblings. Just needed to learn to take care of me and I was good to go. Suddenly, I found myself with an 85 year old child and didn't know how to handle it. I was in deep because I had no caregiver skills to fall back on. I don't have that maternal instinct that would carry me through and I was dealing with his major psychiatric problems with only a few psychology classes in nursing school to get me through. It wasn't enough. I needed a professional to tell me what to do. Give me tips, basically. Thankfully, Social Services were able to do that. I'm relived and very thankful. I know this does not solve the whole problem, but it does give me breathing room.
Replies
Dementia / Alzheimer\'s is really hard on the caretaker. It is hard on the person, when they still realize that their mind is not what it used to be. Eventually, he won\'t understand that his mind is different than it used to be, except, on occasion.
Joe\'s uncle has dementia. He is worse than he was 4 yrs. ago when I placed him in an assisted living facility. He has been moved from Building #1 into Building #2 in the last few months. #2 is more restricted than #1. The doors are locked down and need a password to get out w/o setting off the alarm. I\'m thankful that he is at this particular facility, because he didn\'t have to move to a completely new environment.
I was advised by a man who organized an online help agency for people like me, ~~ hunting a good place for relatives. He helped me find this facility. Because, we already knew uncle had dementia, and at this one, when he worsened ~~ I didn\'t have to look for another facility for him. It has worked out well, so far.
I\'m glad SS could help you with this. Just know that when he does get worse, you will have to find a facility that will take dementia patients. All of them do not. Its really hard on family to watch as their loved ones go down this road. Also, they soon need 24/7 care. Don\'t try to do that by yourself!
Hugs, Joely
Glad you had some support there. I have no children either, no younger siblings here (no siblings at all), and I have a Dad (Mom also passed). He has several significant health issues (diabetes, PCOD, ...), even though he is totally autonomous for the time being. I am terrified if it comes a day I will be in your position, so good to know there is some support around. Sending you hope and strength
Social Services seems to have helped you a lot. Its good to get advice from the experts. We all where different shoes. Not everyone has been a mother, had siblings, or had a nurturing bone in their bodies. I had one daughter and feel like I never had a nurturing bone in my body. I felt helpless at times. I can empathise with you. You are doing the best you can and its good the Social Services is helping you in some way. You are doing the best you can. I am so proud of you for not throwing you dad out. I would have as I would not have been able to handle him at all. Actually through my ex-husband and daughter, I learned when someone gets mad at you to pull back or hang up the phone until they can talk to you in a normal voice. I learned not to take crap from other people. I learned these through a very extremely hard and difficult journey of my life as you are learning this from your dad. All the best and God speed & God strength go with you through this difficult journey of life from DB
Caretakers need care too. I hope you are giving yourself some care. A nice bubble bath or something. You are doing what you have to. Doesn\'t make it easy. Glad SS is being of help to you. I guess this situation is teaching you something about yourself. Just know that you are doing the right thing and can only do what you can do.