going to sleep, a day at a backward glance

I had a good day at work today. I was kind of just comfortable while working.

I did the normal work and when I saw that I was going to leave a little extra

work than usual behind, I asked for an extra half hour on the clock

and it was granted. So I got good work done.

I was thinking while working how we all try and create 'a world for ourselves' in our lives

whether we are rich or poor. There definitely are the ways we like things in our lives...

and I get it - sometimes we can have some things that way we like them - sometimes

more and other times not so much. Rich folks can make a greater feat of it...but I think it's universal

in a lot of ways.

But there's like an inward tug - for me at least -

when feeling totally defined by the outside world at times... it does not work for me. I need to

to engender things within for myself - define from within  - engender virtue or just nurturing things...

and so in light of living in external definers at times - I've learned to dismiss that stuff -

though my work that I do is not so glamorous - I take

great pride and pleasure in it for the reason that I am now surviving well

after the calamity of my past fight with illness. 

So back to the work day and after the fact,

I found myself feeling comfortable in my skin today. I wasn't holding on to 

crazy details and thoughts. I was meeting people eye to eye in the spirit of

that we are all putting the best we've got out there in conversation and interaction...

So as is the case with me I very often feel like "Did I say too much? Was it said well?" etc..

I just knew today that we were all meeting on a foibled plane but also getting along in a mutuality pretty well

nonetheless. There was no lingering fear today for me - no 'paranoid messengers' sent out from my brain

which usually serve to illicit the negative responses I was not hoping for - if that makes sense?

I came home, called out for Blue who came to the top of the stairs

and was kind of lackidaisical about setting out the routine I have of making lunch etc..- but I realized

the primary responsibility was paying attention to my boy, Blue. I nearly didn't pay that much attention

to him - but I knew it was wrong to be so inconsistent.

The day went along - I did a run to the Goodwill to make a donation and then had my meeting

with my Doc. 

My Dad then stopped by and I gave him his birthday present and card...and minutes after he left

he phoned me to say how much he liked it. With humility I say, he is so great and I am grateful.

I set down for the bedtime routine...meds and news on the tv, then turning in for the night

so that I can rise early. I was feeling raw in my alone time while trying to sleep tonight - and I was feeling like a grandfather - 

but I remembered a vital thing and put two and two together that it's crucial to give yourself special treats and

caring things - and resusciate a youthful and cherishable energy by taking good care of myself

and self pampering too. Like I wrote earlier, I needed to engender some good vibes for myself

and that is TOTALLY GOOD AND OKAY!!

Anyways, this is my journal to help me get back to bed...snooze-time..

I hope you guys are having a good day! Take good care of yourselves in all ways...

!!!