going back to work tomorrow, after quarantine

I am so grateful to be going back to work tomorrow.

Here I am today, after starting this morning with a sense of no value

and just as though I were a vessel for life, empty. I wanted to reach out to my therapist...

which is something I do more than I feel ok to admit. She's been very generous

and encouraging of me...and she's been essential to my better health.

Yet I thought today as the morning progressed, and I just felt

so hollow and worthless, that I thought instead of writing my therapist, I would wait! :)

My heart leaped alive and my spirit felt good at my own assertion of a virtue.

It sent me moving forward - though still lowly - perhaps it's just the workinig stiff's humility in me.

But I went about doing my 'to do list', enthused and bouyant and I made phone calls as well. I wrote the last journal -

and then kept on with my business, though not a lot business, but I'm keeping on top

of what I have to do. It's sunny out and windy and chilly for SoCal but it's a nice

day. My mind started working away at me - as I waited for the next activity. 

I had been thinking all along the while this morning, after my first sense to wait to contact my therapist,

that virtue and holding a virtue - or self appreciating and the determination to believe is something powerful!

Even though I felt like crap, I just determined to beleive!

So I thought about holding on to it...I got a lot done....and yet then I slowly after the acitivities

were accomplished and quiet time descended - well, my mind started to change.

I started to ruminate and start to believe dark thoughts...and I thought about virtue as my 

panacea again - and then I thought about excitement for getting back to work tomorrow.

I'll be doing something worthwhile. I'll be making money - and pulling my weight in the 

pursuit of survival that we all have to do. That will dowse the flames of negativity for sure..!!!

I just tried to hold onto virtue and I then after a sinkking deeper and deeper I just thought - time to put these hurt feelings aside and get on with work - with surviving

and living - rather than being drawn back into the abyss of no self value and fixation

on someone who just can't see to appreciate me at times - or least that's how I was feeling.

I can do it! I can keep on keeping on. And I am so grateful for this forum to talk

about things, to vent, to share and discuss. Time to get the mail! :) Speedy delivery! :)

Mr. McFeely is almost here!! :) wouldn't it be great to have those guys as neighbors!!?? :)

peace and namaste folks!

xo