Going back every other day...
Going back every other day into a situation in which I have little to know control and only have to sit between everyone as they are all feeling pressure and difficulty causes my anxiety to the greatest degree.
I have to pass my brother at these daily changes of the guard and I try and be emotionless, not talk anymore than I have to not look at him and just get away as soon as I can so as not to set him off. I never know when I might blink, or frown or sigh or twitch or shrug my shoulders or any of a number of other simple actions people make each day in general movement or conversation and it will set him into some kind of tirade or jsut a simple rebuke. But I don't want any of it, Hearing his voice even when he isn't angry causes me anxiety or at least worry that it may become his angry voice and some insult or belittling of me or talking to me like I am a child and explaining the obvious to me.
One of the things he does very often that always bothers me is that he sees things that need to be done and perhaps means to do them but never gets around to it and so when I get there he asks or tells me to do them. I"m the type that if I see something to be done or notice it because sometimes I may see it but not realize that it is something to be done, I just do it. I sort of can't leave it because I don't want it to be left and forgotten. My brother is the type that seems to put it off as long as possible until it must be done or has become a problem and is much harder to do.
On top of this when he tells me to do something he also tells me how to do it. The simplest of tasks must be explained by him and usually repeatedly not just an easy explanation but repeating the same thing in two or three different ways and then later before he leaves he has to say it again as if I have already forgotten it sometimes even while I am actually doing the thing. It is insulting and annoying and if I show let alone say anything about it he blows up or minimally storms off angry.
And so every morning I worry about it being a day where this happens and generally, more than often it is. and more, when he comes and it is my time to leave for myself I am ready to go, I have done everything I can think of to do, not left a glass to wash, not forgotten to give dad his medicine not seen that they have been fed or my sister dressed but done every thing I thought of that needs to be done. I have my stuff together or already in my car and I leave.
When I come in the morning after his day there he lingers, doing nothing to help the house or me or dad of my sister just lingers piddling around laying there watching TV, picking up his stuff, making phone calls or something else. I sit there doing nothing till he leaves for fear of doing something that will be wrong to him, or that will make him angry or get him talking and telling me how to put cereal in a bowel of feed the cat or wash a glass, or wipe my butt.
So even though I have had a day off, there is always the anxiety of it starting over again the next day, I wake, usually earlier than I would like and I start worrying what is going to happen when I get there. One day off is barely enough time to relax enough to get a good nights sleep, I usually don't, and then I'm right back in the situation without any real control of my life or ever getting out of it unless I abandon my family and the duty I feel goes with being part of it. And thinking of doing that makes me anxious also.
I have to pass my brother at these daily changes of the guard and I try and be emotionless, not talk anymore than I have to not look at him and just get away as soon as I can so as not to set him off. I never know when I might blink, or frown or sigh or twitch or shrug my shoulders or any of a number of other simple actions people make each day in general movement or conversation and it will set him into some kind of tirade or jsut a simple rebuke. But I don't want any of it, Hearing his voice even when he isn't angry causes me anxiety or at least worry that it may become his angry voice and some insult or belittling of me or talking to me like I am a child and explaining the obvious to me.
One of the things he does very often that always bothers me is that he sees things that need to be done and perhaps means to do them but never gets around to it and so when I get there he asks or tells me to do them. I"m the type that if I see something to be done or notice it because sometimes I may see it but not realize that it is something to be done, I just do it. I sort of can't leave it because I don't want it to be left and forgotten. My brother is the type that seems to put it off as long as possible until it must be done or has become a problem and is much harder to do.
On top of this when he tells me to do something he also tells me how to do it. The simplest of tasks must be explained by him and usually repeatedly not just an easy explanation but repeating the same thing in two or three different ways and then later before he leaves he has to say it again as if I have already forgotten it sometimes even while I am actually doing the thing. It is insulting and annoying and if I show let alone say anything about it he blows up or minimally storms off angry.
And so every morning I worry about it being a day where this happens and generally, more than often it is. and more, when he comes and it is my time to leave for myself I am ready to go, I have done everything I can think of to do, not left a glass to wash, not forgotten to give dad his medicine not seen that they have been fed or my sister dressed but done every thing I thought of that needs to be done. I have my stuff together or already in my car and I leave.
When I come in the morning after his day there he lingers, doing nothing to help the house or me or dad of my sister just lingers piddling around laying there watching TV, picking up his stuff, making phone calls or something else. I sit there doing nothing till he leaves for fear of doing something that will be wrong to him, or that will make him angry or get him talking and telling me how to put cereal in a bowel of feed the cat or wash a glass, or wipe my butt.
So even though I have had a day off, there is always the anxiety of it starting over again the next day, I wake, usually earlier than I would like and I start worrying what is going to happen when I get there. One day off is barely enough time to relax enough to get a good nights sleep, I usually don't, and then I'm right back in the situation without any real control of my life or ever getting out of it unless I abandon my family and the duty I feel goes with being part of it. And thinking of doing that makes me anxious also.
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