goes both ways...building a life
it was a good day - I felt very encouraged by things
and then when it's time to come back to my room
maybe I just feel like I am catching up with myself
and like I can appreciate what I've done - but
also a lacking a loneliness - a NOT KNOWING -
and I am reminded of how when I am functioning
out there - there's always someone to relate to -
a way to respond - and maybe I just don't have
a big handle on my own sense of my life -
and i really hate that I have to question things like this
but is that normal?
tomorrow I go to the eye glass store again -
they've committed to remaking my eyeglasses prescription
and for giving me a new pair (as the one that I had, broke twice.)
Anyways - thanks for being there to all who support - for sharing space
and time
I think I am seriously thinking about commitment to this place
or at least the serious feelings about what that is, is coming to mind.
I think I have a fear of commitment
and I realize it's a kind of entrustment with my future with someone -
a belief that you are entrusting your future with someone being in their hands
to nurture and guide you - when you yourself can't always be strong or self possessed
- and visa versa -
to believe in them enough that they will help put you back on track or on the right track
or respect you - or love you -
anyways - it goes both ways
I have been feeling really good here -like I am building something with them - like we are -
I have thought what it would be like to build some kind of life on my own out there -
or with someone out there - much like I have been building and taking care of daily life
here - we all have to do it -
Orthodox dogmatics think you either get married or live the monastic life -
I really respect those who can make their special kind of lives work -
and I surprised myself today in the way I understood the dogmatics as I was
really feeling like I am building something here and so was inspired to think of the nature
of building a life etc..
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((Arfie))